You can go your own way

People occasionally tell me — scratch that — they OFTEN tell me that something I’ve said or written or thought is not funny, is too soon to be funny, or will never be funny, but that doesn’t change anything, particularly what I think is funny. And what I think is funny and when it is funny is everything and whenever. Take the Oklahoma City bombing and Stevie Nicks.

Fleetwood Mac Member Executed in Error

TERRE HAUTE (YU) — Survivors and family members of the victims of the 1995 Alfred E. Newman Federal Building bombing in Oklahoma City expressed shock and anger when informed that Timothy McVeigh apparently escaped from the U.S. Penitentiary here while being transferred from his 8-by-10 cell to a holding closet where he was supposed to await death by lethal injection and crucifixion. 

Officials declined comment on how the decorated Gulf War veteran managed to avoid punishment for the worst act of domestic terrorism since the systematic annihilation of Native American populations in the late nineteenth century. They did confirm, however, that an autopsy revealed that the corpse removed from the death chamber belonged to singer Christine McVie of the rock group Fleetwood Mac. 

When told by incredulous reporters of numerous McVeigh sightings in Dallas, Cairo, Baghdad, and Addis Ababa, White House Press Secretary, Howard Hungh muttered: “Damn that boy to hell.” President Goober W. Bush was hosting a T-ball tournament on the South Lawn and did not want to be disturbed. 

In recent weeks, McVeigh has infuriated dim bulb American pontificators by his unwillingness to repent for his sins. Increasingly, in fact, McVeigh has argued that he was prepared to die for America's sins. He claimed that he is being killed over a question of semantics. 

During the Gulf War, Generals Arnold Schwartzeneggerkopf and Colon Bowel were often heard referring to the rumored slaughter of thousands of Iraqi women and children as collateral damage. 

According to at least one reliable source, after the incidents at Ruby Ridge and the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, which resulted in the deaths of several less-than-affluent American women and children, McVeigh vowed to “show these damn countrymen of mine exactly what collateral damage looks like.” 

Now that McVeigh is on the loose again, Americans are urged to report anyone seen buying fertilizer or diesel fuel and to avoid leaving their children in daycare facilities operating out of public buildings. 

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are already suggesting that the Bush administration orchestrated the death of McVie and perhaps had a hand in planning McVeigh's escape. They point out that Fleetwood Mac was a favorite of previous President Bill Clinton and that he had made one of their songs Don't Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow) an anthem for his presidency, which was marked by eight years of unprecedented peace and prosperity.

© Copyright 2001, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All Rights Reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Leading the blind since 1896.
Posted Saturday, June 09, 2001