What’s With All This Critical Thinking Theory? Nimrods Ask

Two accused insurrectionists who took part in the Capitol riots on January 6 claim they have been given tablets that contain critical race theory as a dietary supplement while being forced to attend 4th grade civics classes to learn about personal responsibility & critical thinking, “which are the antisynthesis of our American family values.”

In a series of Tweets sent to long-deceased Confederate judge Hiram Q. Walker by courier pigeon because they’ve been denied access to the Internet, the two are demanding their release after 9 months in detention, claiming their rights to be proud, ignorant, & white are being violated by “this woke criminal justice system.” 

Terry Nichols of Texas & Glenn Youngkin of Wet Vagina sent a color-coded collection of Post-It™ notes to the deceased Confederate Supreme Court judge on Tuesday alleging that they have endured “life, liberty, constitution, human, spirit, Jesus, economic, pursuit of happiness, and civil violations for being apprehended exercising our 1st & 2nd amendable rights.”

Among a list of misspelled & ungrammatical grievances, the self-professed douchebags allege that they are treated “worse than niggers” & are forced to beg for Budweiser and medical aid, that they are not allowed to attend religious services or football games with their families, and that they have been denied access to the teachings of Sean Hannity & Tucker Carlsen since their capture in a bunker where former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle once hid from Black Lives Matter protestors in 2020.

“We are force fed CRT [critical race theory] propaganda on tablets that is washed down with woke beverages like Cam Boogya & Kai Wingding,” the two wrote. They also complained they are subjected to elementary school education that they were homeschooled against by their parents and claim their vitamins taste like they have “anti-White Racial messaging.”

The letter was attached to a motion that Nichols’s attorney, Jim Jones, filed asking the court to release him on personal recognizance to the custody of Mark Meadows, former White House Chief of Staff.

The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat saw no need to reach out to the D.C. Department of Corrections or attorneys for Nichols and Youngkin for comment because we were already laughing so hard we could barely control our bladders.

Nichols is accused of attempting to season officers who were trying to prevent rioters from entering the Capitol with pepper-spray.

Youngkin pleaded not guilty in June to “whatever you guys think you can get me for.”

The letter comes after dingbat Rep. Marjoe Faylure Greene (R-Word, Ga.) visited the jail for three hours and said “the world never seen human suffering like I witnessed being endured by our great heroes as they endeavor to persevere in their Christian beliefs. This makes The Holocaust look like a hoax.”