Claims Trump Promised To Pardon Him After August Reinstatement

Derek Chauvin, the former Minneapolis police officer who killed George Floyd last year with an unapproved chokehold was in exceptionally good spirits today despite being sentenced to 22 & a half years in general population.

Chauvin, who traces his ancestry to German Chauvinists who arrived on the Mayflower, appeared to show no remorse for his actions, after a trial that found him guilty of second-degree unintentional murder, third-degree murder, & second-degree manslaughter. Chauvin’s defense for his actions at the trial were that Floyd was a criminal & a threat to national security during Antifa’s Summer Of Rage. Chauvin claimed he was so tired after apprehending Floyd that he absentmindedly knelt on Floyd’s neck a little longer than he usually does on most suspects.

Former president Donald J. Turdwaffle has yet to tweet about this grave injustice because he was unjustly banned by Twitter after antifa stormed the Capitol on January 6, 2021 to “make me look bad,” but sources close to America’s favorite twice-impeached one-time Nazi impersonator say Mr. Turdwaffle is committed to put Chauvin’s pardon on top of the list of “things to do when we have our great reinstatement on August 16th & we continue to make America great again.”