“It Wasn’t Us, Man!” Says Unnamed Source Dressed As A Turnip

After decades of fomenting unrest in Central & South America as part of the Repugnicunt New Manifest Destiny designed to expand the Reagan legacy’s supply side plantation economy onto any surface in the Western hemisphere human beings are forced to stick to, thanks to Isaac Newton, leadership was apparently caught off guard when its agents forgot to change into disguises before disciplining Haitian president Jovenel Moise with extreme prejudice in Port-au-Prince two days ago.

“Do you really think we’re stupid enough to carry out this kind of operation in front of surveillance cameras dressed in our law enforcement uniforms?” said Jerry Rivers, the unnamed source who spoke on condition of deep state anonymity. “This looks more like a Blackwater job. I think you guys should be talking to Eric Prince & Betsy DeVos. They really get off on this stuff.”