“Freedom’s Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose,” Twice-Impeached Loser Tells Athletic Supporters

During a recent speech to supporters at his Bedford New Jersey Golf Resort & Bordello, former president & unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle denied involvement in his attempt to overturn the results of the 2020 election, which he blamed on the new Freedom Phone.

“I have no connection whatsoever to anything I’ve ever done or endorsed,” Turdwaffle shouted, “Because that’s how true patriots roll!”

The former failed führer, who is currently awaiting the results of several thousand investigations into his lifelong criminal conduct, told his supporters: “Haven’t these antifa terrorists ever heard of the statue of limitations? Don’t they remember the great people on our side at Charlottesville? The statues are all with me! How about you?”

“We’re behind you all the way, coach!” one supporter shouted, leading the assembled throng to begin chanting: “Lock her up! Stop the steal! Build the wall! Knock them out! We want freedom phones, not freedom phonies!”

At this point, the beleagured bogus billionaire interrupted the crowd to allege the Freedom Phone is actually a joint effort by antifa, Black Lives & Matter, & the Chinese government to entrap his uneducated supporters & put them behind bars just for trying to stop rampant election fraud that threatens to keep Repugnicunts in power until after the apocalypse, no matter how hard the Democrat majority hopes they can end more than 50 years of supply-side Repugnicunt minority rule.

“You know I love the uneducated,” he smiled to thunderous applause, “but sometimes a little knowledge is better than a bunch of stupidity, so I’m asking you to boycott the Freedom Phone, which many people are saying is overpriced & built by androids in Wuhan, China, the same place that gave us this terrible Democrat virus that is killing so many of us because the liberals have hogged all the good vaccines we developed during my great administration & then they stole the election from us. We have nothing to do with that phone & all the profits are going to liberal socialists. We haven’t seen a penny, which makes it a crime against my nature.”

“And you know what they say about pennies you save from the Chinese can earn you plenty of profits if you play your cards right! Stop the steal & make them squeal like little pussies!”