“They’re Killing The Uneducated!” Texas Repugnicunt Claims

As COVID sweeps through the shithole states, the GOP is raising alarms that downplaying the threat posed by the deadly Kung Flu over the past year & a half has greatly reduced their deplorable base. This realization has forced the party to pivot to a more nuanced attack on democracy, while attempting to maintain the regressive minority rule they have enjoyed since embracing the Reagan legacy of supply side plantation economics in the mid-1970s.

Citing unspecified top-secret polling that allegedly indicates more than 80% of those who have died from COVID since the Dems rigged the 2020 election were MAGA supporters, the GOP feigned shock & awe. “This can’t be a coincidence,” said one former White House operative who refused to give his name & spoke via Zoom to the Pataphysical Metempsychotic Syndicate using an autotuned voice that sounded eerily like the vocal stylings of utility infielder Jared Kushner.

“We run the risk of not having enough ambulatory voters in 2022 to maintain our current finger hold in Congress unless we can convince a significant number of our uneducated voters to get the vaccine instead of dying,” said one Alabama representative, who spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid additional death threats for having said something nice about a Democrat on a talk show in 1992.

As a result, the GOP is now counting on the non-existent attention span of their most fervent supporters to convince them the reason they are not yet vaccinated is not that they are anti-vaxxers but rather that the liberals, antifa, & Black Lives Matter have made it impossible for them to access “the good stuff, the prime innoculates they have have kept for themselves.”

In fact, some leaders are now calling on the Proud Boys to conduct raids into liberal strongholds to hack off the arms of vaccinated leftists to make their own vaccines without government interference.