Let’s Give These Young Ones Something To Important To Die For

Responding to ongoing criticism from Fox Gnus, Nazis, and the GOP that he isn’t decisive or forceful enough to scare an old lady into shitting her underpants, President Joe Biden today announced he had placed nearly 8,500 white supremacists, antivaxxers, sovereign citizens, & Turdwaffle Republicans already in the Armed Forces on high alert for potential deployment to thwart Russian aggression in Eastern Europe.

Unnamed sources from deep within the administration consider the strategy the most perfect example of a win-win situation since the Big Bang or the biblical creation myth, whichever came first. “Brilliant,” said one. “Pure genius,” said another.

Privately, Biden has expressed concern over recent reports that up to 40% of America’s combat ready troops belong to extreme right-wing groups preparing to overthrow the government. The percentage of Nazis in police and sheriff’s departments across the US is even higher.

“We’ve got to stop training all these terrorists. That’s what the NRA is for,” Biden allegedly told his Cabinet, “Especially when any nut, trained or not, has access to more kinds of lethal weapons of mass destruction than decent healthcare required to recover from their wounds. This is a real recipe for disaster. Let’s put these boys to work, dying for a good cause for a change!”