I Am So Sick Of These Gay NATO Fuckers

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Kriminal Kremlin Klown, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle’s most steadfast political ally, Russian President Vladimir Putin cold-called Turkish President Johnny Dip Erdogan this morning to chat about world affairs.

If Erdogan was surprised by the call, he did not let on as the two chatted on an open Facetime session in a quick and dirty attempt at brokering a peace deal that would be satisfactory to the world’s growing autocrat class.

Putin expressed confusion at global outrage over his invasion of Ukraine, which he now claims was done in support of western trucker convoys in Canada and the United States who were protesting Ukranian vaccine mandates.

Erdogan commiserated with the former Soviet KGB agent, saying he too was confused by western effetism in general, and in particular at the unhinged American reaction when he visited the Turdwaffle’s White Supremacist House and was expected not to order his personal elite guard to use all necessary force to handle disruptive behavior by exiles he could have beheaded had they dared to pull such a stunt in Ankara.

Eventually the talk came around to Ukraineian aggression against Russia that prompted Putin’s measured response to protect the sacred vision of the Founding Mothers, and develop a list of Putin’s demands that Western imperialists must meet before he’ll agree to a ceasefire that will protect the integrity of elections worldwide, while not endangering the health and welfare of ordinary Russian civilians “who are very fine people who agree with us on everything and always pay their taxes without complaint.”

Our imaginary man in the Middle East, Ernie Hemingway, filed this list of demands, as overheard on a wiretap of questionable legality. (Hemingway, a charter member of the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat is often asked if he is related to the real Ernest Hemingway, to which he usually replies: “I am the real Ernest Hemingway, buckos. Get used to it.” He also holds honorary press credentials from YU News Service.)

Erdogan: So what is it you want, Vladdie, to stop murdering all these innocent people.

Putin: Who you call the innocent? These terrorists, Nazis, antifa, LGBTQs, turdcoats. These not very fine people. How dare you say otherwise?

E: Just kidding, sir. I know how hard you’ve been trying to bring the peace that passeth for understanding to Ukraine…

P: But so many dead-ender resist. Have no shame? They not realize, I could snap fingers like Thanos and say: Goodbye Kyiv. Goodbye Lviv. May door crack in your butt as you leave. Goodbye Moon. Goodbye Mars. Goodbye you Ukrainian liberals with your funny man. You annoying me. But would be wrong. Instead use diplomacy.

E: I have often used diplomacy myself, with similar results. No offense meant.

P: None took. All to do these asshole have to do is comply. Is so hard? Is not the cost of freedom?

E: I’ve always thought so. Our friend in Florida…

P: Don’t get me started on loser. He signed agreement give me Ukraine at Helsinki with that big black pen he sniffs, but did he not tell his people? Does not look so.

E: So how do we fix this, Vladdie?

P: There is no fixing, but we stop some the killing for now we can. For first, no more Zelenskyy on Zoom with his damn tee-shirt showing off big arms. What a boat show. American GOP agree he is not dressed in president material. Set bad example for youth. Like gay. No more gay anywhere. No gay can have baby. All these funny boys. Make me sick.

E: Anything else?

P: Trump to finish resorts he promise Helsinki, world class for GPA tour. Ruble become international currency and Russia supply all world coal and natural gas. Ukraine must promise make that no NATO ever to join and give Russia first chance in future to make good relations on our terms again. Also want new American swing state investigations for how Trump was won on Nov 3, 2020 election night but next morning was new total. Was disgrace. How could government allow such thing? We paid good money. We want also release all January 6 political prisoners.

E: That’s quite a list.

P: I have a quite big stockpile at my fingers. Ha, ha, ha.

E: You such a kidder, Vladdie. Anything else to add?

P: I want kick ass Elon Musk on Fox TV hand in hand and meet Zelenskyy face-on-face in Moscow with Trump or Tucker Foxconn witness. We will honor Ukraine request not to return east we took for cost the courts, and no more climate change. We must stop climate change or war will go on.

E: How long?

P: If you need to ask, Johnny, you don’t need know.