I Swear To Tell The Truth, The Half Truth, And Nothing But The Social Truth, So Help Me, God

In a lengthy statement only slightly less incoherent than his monumental Cullman, Alabama recitation of The Epic of Kuklamash, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the kind of COVID celebrity mass murderer who could only grow up to be president in our nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™), Donald J. Grabito Pussolini, threatened to annihilate anyone and everyone involved in the “pitiful” January 6 Capitol riot investigation “with a simple snap of my fingers, as soon as I am reinstated.”

Pussolini has suffered a series of startling setbacks that would have left an ordinary NOMF citizen in a holding cell for 2 years awaiting arraignment before being shot while attempting to escape, but to look at the liberal mainstream right-wing media coverage of our fast food and ephermal services-based supply-side plantation economy, you’d think the slovenly guy’s shit smells like caviar.

He’s been booted off every professionally managed irrelevant social media network and has been forced to issue his insanely hilarious, and usually self-incriminating & legally compromised threatening communiques, on his own personal blog, Truth Social, which is probably exactly what you expect it would be if you were uneducated and not particularly curious in a good way. You haven’t really visited that shit-hole, have you? Euww.

“The January 6th Unselect Committee is disgracing everything we hold sacred saints about our Constitution,” the morbidly obese failed führer argued among other things in a post he had Stephen Miller research and Kellyanne Conway write for him, “If they had any real evidence, they’d hold real hearings in primetime on real television, like in the old days, like The Masked Singer today, with a real host, like Pat Sajak, Chuck Woolery — great guy Chuck — or even Arnold Whatisname, for Christ’s sake, even though he ruined The Apprentice, while he was holding my spot, and where’s the equal time for the very fine people on my side? like all those great patriots from January 6, the greatest movement in our entire history back to before the Emasturbation Proclamation!

“As the NRA and our Founding Fathers wrote in the Constitution: ‘No relaxation without mutual masturbation,’” Pussolini wrote in his 12-page election book report on Monday. “They don’t have any evidence that they didn’t steal the election, so they use this illegally-reconstituted impeachment committee to shine smoke and mirrors on my dog and pony show for the American people, in a pitiful last-ditch effort to educate the American public who doesn’t want to be educated, or why did 150 million of them vote for me?”