If At First You Don’t Secede, Try, Try, Try Again

“Why haven’t the Dems let us investigate whether the Emancipation Proclamation was legal or an uncompensated taking of property from our very fine neighbors of the Southern persuasion?” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspriator and first morbidly obese Nazi ever to occupy the White House, Donald Grabito Pussolini posted on his vanity blog, Truth Social, blasting reports that he was being investigated for jury and witness tampering in connection with his January 6 coup attempt.

He also denied he had called the Republican Rigger of Elections in Wisconsin to track down, round up, and bring to justice the treasonous electors who voted for Sleepy Joe Biden. “How could they vote for a dead guy?” Pussolini whined, trying his tiny hands at crafting an interesting #ExistentialTrickQuestion.

Pussolini spent his entire four years in office lubing himself in defiance of the Emolients Clause, claiming that he could have gotten better deals for the American people than the “antifa progressinve looney wing of the Do Nothing Democrat party,” gutting the Endangered Species Act, eviscerating the Environmental Protection Agency, scrapping the Paris Climate Accord, violating the Iran Nuclear Arms Agreement, and threatening to revisit every treaty the United States has entered into since 1750, when it was still just a pre-cum on Benjamin Fanklin’s alaways ready penis.

Fun fact: Old Uncle Ben actually provided handy hints for American women needing to rid themselves of yet another hungry mouth to feed by providing at-home abortion advice in The Instructor, a math book written under the pseudonym of George Fisher, which was one of the many books recently banned from Florida libraries by Gov. Ron “Little Don” DeSantis 

Who can forget the time Pussolini cornered French President Marco Vanilli Macron at a Eurovision Sophistry Meeting, were he demanded a renegotiation of the Louisiana Purchase, which our failed führer insisted should “have included Brigit Bardot, Julia Childs, and the Palace at Versace!”

Pussolini denies that toxic racism is behind his attempt to have the Supreme Court declare the 13, 14, 15, and 26th amendments null and void based on recent Supreme Court rulings that suggest most of the rights Americans thought they had were actually the result of wishful thinking that Nazis would never gain complete control of our nation of miserable fucks.

Many former supporters of the beleaguered bombastic bastard wish he would choke on a wad of KFC and cut the drama, but they are also afraid that expressing such opinions out loud might inflame the nearly 400 million unregistered firearms in our nation of miserable fucks.

“They know where we live,” said one MAGA cap wearing fat fuck whose IQ is slightly less than his belt size, without any sense of irony.

#TheTerribleSwiftianSword