Another item rescued from the Today.com vault.

Footwear Futures Soar As Bush Ponders Lip-Synch Tour

Originally ublished by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 26, 2009

NOMPH™ ill-will ambassador offers post-term necronomic stimulus plan

No one said that transitioning from Decider to Derelevant was going to be easy, and my usually unreliable sources tell me that former First Idiot George W. Bush is more than a little miffed that no one in the Obama administration has asked him for any advice on foreign or domestic affairs.

“He’s getting tired of waiting for the phone to ring,” said former Secretary of Misstatement Condoleeza Rice, a rumored confidante who requested anonymity before not speaking with us, “and when the damn thing does ring, it ends up being George Soros, Move On, Huffington Post, or Keith Olberman.”

When I suggested she teach her former squeeze to take advantage of the no-call lists he opposed during his time of mission accomplishing and getting Iraqis to proudly dip their fingers in purple ink, my imaginary connection was suddenly dropped, like another shoe we all suspected was coming.

Bush is reportedly “extremely proud of his misunderestimated accomplishments in not having all kinds of affairs,” according to someone else uncomfortably close to the truth who would speak only while wearing a cloaking device, “unlike Bill Clinton, who never met an affair he didn’t like both in and out of office. Our former great leader would undoubtedly advise Biraq to avoid even the appearance of entertaining the thought of an affair, no matter how attractive it may seem to score some cheap political points.”

One day after flubbing an interview for a job as a greeter at Master Bait and Tackle in Dallas and giving an impromptu lecture on deciderizing to a political science class at SMU, Bush invaded Jack Ruby High School this morning to exhort young Texans around the globe to learn the importance of “sticking to your guns and keeping on doing whatever you are doing, which is what the Old Rummy from Rancho Mirage taught me all them years ago, because when you finally become a war president and have to keep decidering on important questionings for witching there be no fast food answers to keep America safe from another 9/11, see, you’ll remember where you wanted to be when you wasn’t, so you have to keep your pants up and principles on, no matter what the consequences are for those who don’t see the big picture anyway, because that’s what the voters give you a mandrake to do. That’s the only poll that counts, see, is what you feel in your gut,” Bush told his admiring audience of uneducable mentally retarded Texans, pointing at his own buttocks.

Bush is reportedly getting in shape for an upcoming tour of Europe and Middle Earth where he has vowed not to be apprehended by the World Court to stand trial for crimes against humanity, a charge the former president vehemently disputes by arguing that terrorists are not human, and the only people killed during his administration were either terrorists or being used as human shields by the terrorists. “From the earliest days of my decidering, I told the whole world that you is either for us or a legitimate target, see,” the president recently told a drooling liberal media celebrity, “and a target is something you aim at, and I always hit what I aim at. So what’s the problem?”