Easy Does It

Originally published by drfaustroll under Invective, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 21, 2009

Part three in a never-ending series: As the Obama administration struggles for relevance in a world he never made, two things have become clear. Obama just isn’t black enough to wrest the NOMPH™ from the evil monkeys who have run it since colonial times. He’s also not white enough to win over the disloyal opposition of do-nothing Republicunt honkies who draw strength from idiocy and misplaced pride.

Today we intended to examine the kinds of change George W. Bush accomplished without ever courting support from the spineless liberals and the cowardly Demoblicans in the House and Senate, but then the acid kicked in. If Biraq reads this column, perhaps he will realize that understanding history can also help you repeat it, which is what this country needs now more ever.

Instead of simply rolling back the horrendous policies and procedures put in place during the Bush years, Biraq needs to embrace a new, improved arrogance and disregard for opposing viewpoints if he hopes to establish a truly New World Order which is not simply a return to a slightly more efficient Third Reich.

The first salvo in the battle against Biraq was fired by everyone’s favorite fat frat boy, Rush Limbaugh, who suggested that like Donovan McNabb and Michael Vick before him, Biraq’s qualifications to quarterback the country through these troubling times might be hamstrung by his inability to grasp what it means when a mega-rich talk show host responds to faint praise by saying: “Well, that’s really white of you.”

This immediately put the Obama camp in damage control mode, which was in turn interpreted as demonstrative of a underlying reactionary gene that guides all of Obama’s actions. This is an accusation that the new president has not been able to shake each time he rescinds an illegal and mind-boggling executive order signed by his gleefully illiterate predecessor, giving the neocondi rice and beaners an opening to flood the airwaves with clichés such as: “We sure hope he is not going to try to reinvent the wheel when it comes to foreign policy,” or “He appears to be willing to throw the octuplets out with the fertility clinic,” or “He would be better served if his staff told him to let the dust settle and take some time to consider why George W. Bush often seemed to be sitting in a lifeboat with both oars in the water waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Take the rumor that Michelle Obama accepted some oxycontin from a clerk at The Gap when she complained of a headache while shopping for clothes for Malia and Sasha, the first picanninies ever to live at the White House who weren’t slaves.

It turns out that the clerk hosts a Web site for fans of Joe the Plumber and Harry the Hairdresser, two of Obama’s harshest critics. Instead of responding to this obvious smear attempt by attacking the right wingnut scumbuckets who have flourished without restraint for nearly two decades, the savior-elect remained silent, saying he chose not to dignify innuendo with a comment and he was preparing to “hit the ground running on January 20th to return hope and change to the American people.”

In the bullpen: Is Obama destined to be remembered as Clinton with a better tan?