Joe Sacco

Security Analyst

Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service

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RANCHO MIRAGE (PMS) – A man arrested while he sharpened a wooden stake outside an aquarium this morning has denied through a medium his intention to drive it through the heart of former President Ronald Roller Wilson Reagan as his body awaited transport to the Reagan library in Simi Valley.

Conrad Van Helsing was transported to Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where he is being held as an enemy combatant, after he allegedly told a PMS reporter that “someone needed to do something to make sure that goddamn supply side vampire doesn’t rise again from the dead.”

Police in several cities (whose identities are protected by non-disclosure agreements) arrested nearly 800 of Van Helsing’s suspected co-conspirators in a nationwide sweep that Attorney General of the Living Dead, Johann Asscough, called “another clear sign that the Patriot Act and the War on Terror are seeing some real and tangible results.”

Reagan’s corpse was not abused in the attack.

Reagan’s body will be on permanent loan to the Rare Crooks Collection, which also includes a cottage cheese recipe book by Richard Nixon published by the Ketchup Advisory Board, an invitation to the 2000 inaugural from President George W. Bush to former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, several pairs of Oliver North’s khaki boxer shorts, and Rush Limbaugh’s collection of prescription pads.