Jorge Humberto Romero

Foreign Correspondent

Pataphysical Metempsychotic Sacrament

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AN NAJAF (PMS) — Hundreds of undead revelers were shot in the head during a belated Final Four celebration that turned violent this morning, leading to fierce fighting in and around the Najaf's centuries-old Gates of Eden cemetery northwest of the shrine of Mohammed Ali, the most sacred site in Shiite pugilistic circles, said Ahmet Kheli Sadr spokesman Sheikh Yerbouti Shaboomi. 

Witnesses reported some of the fiercest combat seen in Najaf since Sadr began raising the dead for his insurgency more than a month ago in response to coalition forces removing Bloom County from the local Sunday newspaper and replacing it with The Family Circus. 

"The Mehta Army has thousands of martyrs," Shaboomi said. "We are ready to confront any American force whatever its size, and we will eat their brains with relish or without relish. Allah says this will be so. We’re only in it for the hummus.“ 

Armed men in black speedos wearing brightly colored scarves and elaborate turbans bedecked with floral arrangements were seen prancing around the crowded cemetery and digging up other graves to add to their unstoppable army of gaily boisterous cadavers as US tanks and helicopters continued adding to their ranks by bombing residents unfortunate to be subsisting in the area. 

Shooting was also heard from the southern and western entrances to the city, and hospital sources said seven people, including an Afghan pilgrim named Rooster Cockburn, had been wounded. 

Iran and Shiite Muslim leaders had warned the United States that the Iraqi holy cities of Najaf and Karbala were “ ed lines” not be crossed and now have vowed to begin raising the dead in the United States as well. “ e will take the battle to the infidels where they live as they wait in line at the drive-in and they will know the meaning of hunger.”

But US Major General Jack Dempsey told PMS reporters that American troops came under attack from the cemetery and fired back. "We never give up the right of self-defense but we will as much as possible honor the sensitivity of the religious sites. These gay zombies though will not be tolerated," he said. 

Najaf governor Omar Sheriff al-Serif told PMS late Thursday that a “US entry into the center of Najaf may be imminent” and that thousands of starving zombies are gathering to feast on coalition grey matter, despite its paucity and poor quality. A statement posted on an Islamist website attributed to Abdul Axis al-Moran, the Al-Qaeda chief in Saudi Arabia, said the Egyptian mummy network was now also helping Iraqis fighting US forces. 

Elsewhere, a US marine was killed by an exploding cream pie in Al-Tanbark province west of Baghdad, the coalition said Friday, the 778th soldier to die of pie-related causes since the liberation of Iraq in March last year.