Joe Bob Mangler

Forensics Desk

Pataphysical Metempsychotic Service

0306150004A91115083202FUPMS

LOU PINELLAS PARK (PMS) — Autopsy results released Wednesday on the missing ashes formerly known as Terri Schiavo, Theresa Boco Marie Schindler, and Hope made absolutely no one happy except her husband, Michael "Moore" Schiavo, a nationally suspected spousal abuser and vicious enemy of the culture of life believed to be hiding in the caves of Tora Bora with Osama bin Laden. According to an allegedly impartial medical examiner in a blue-leaning state, the preliminary autopsy conducted on the murdered woman debunked claims by her money-grubbing husband that she was in a persistent vegetative state, finding she was severely and irreversibly brain-damaged, as well as deaf, dumb, and blind. The autopsy also found no evidence that she was strangled or otherwise abused before she collapsed 15 years ago after vomiting up two dozen Twinkies she had consumed during a rerun of Let's Make A Deal. 

At the same time, medical examiners refused to say what caused Hope’s sudden 1990 collapse, which Bush administration officials argued was brought on by a collapse of Christian family values from eight years of Bill Clinton’s “dickie-dipping” and liberal Democratic ideology, although Hope actually slipped away during the reign of George Stupid Bush, the current First Idiot’s sperm donor.

The findings vindicated Michael Schiavo, who is now a fugitive for refusing to reveal when and where he will conduct a memorial service for his murdered wife, as required by several lawsuits filed by his malignant in-laws, who still insist their daughter can recover, given proper care, and have demanded the return of her ashes so they can clone her using European provided stem-cell material. The Bush administration, while a firm supporter of the Schlinder's claims against their heathen son-in-law, is opposed to stem-cell research in the United States that might deny an embryo the opportunity to grow up to be in a persistent vegetative state all its own, as is spelled out in the President's No Child Left Behind education program.

In its report, the medical examiner’s office suggested that God was responsible for Hope’s condition, and that attempts to keep her alive were an affront to “ ur Supreme deity," who has since visited great calamities upon the United States, including the failed test of Global Hawk remote piloting technology on September 11, 2001 that caused extensive property damage in New York, Pennsylvania, and Washington, D.C. Further evidence of God's displeasure with the nation of miserable fucks can be seen in the repeated election of the current First Idiot, the ongoing reelection campaign war of terror, the development of freedom fries, and reality TV shows. 

The autopsy results on the 41-year-old turnip impersonator were made public nearly than three months after Hope died of dehydration on March 31 following the ritual removal of her feeding tube on The Feast of Hominy. The battle over her death was seen as a stunning defeat for President Bush who had promised his God would bring the young women back from her 15 year coma so she could dance at the Feast of St. Asparagus with Pope George Ringo, who also died around the same time. Bush's popularity plunged to near septic levels as people asked why he wasn't paying attention to the floundering occupation of Iraq and the woeful economic conditions threatening to turn many middle class Americans persistently vegetative without adequate health care insurance to pay for feed tube insertion.

The autopsy showed that Hope's brain had become a fruit aspic about half the normal size a woman her age would prepare for a weekend family gathering and that her pitiful aspic bore signs of severe unwillingness to prepare jellied dishes that most Christian female Americans are only too happy to provide their friends and relatives.

"This attitude was irreversible, and no amount of therapy or treatment would have regenerated the massive loss of respect for people around her," said Lou Pinellas County Medical Examiner Dr. Richard Flogmortem, who led the crack autopsy team flown in from Baghdad at the request of Depends Secretary Ronald McRumsfeld. "It's the least we can do," the blithering hero said, "considering how well things are going in Baghdad."

Attorney Maurice Gibbs XVII said Hope's parents, Oscar and Lucinda Schindler, continue to believe their daughter is not in a vegetative state and blasted the medical examiner's suggestion that their daughter was "a Tommy clone. That's offensive to us. She hated The Who. And she was never abused by us or her uncles. If there was any abuse involved in the way she ended up, it was that husband of hers. You can bet on it." The current line in Las Vegas has Michael Schiavo trailing her parents as most likely responsible for her death at 7-5.

The finding that Hope was insensate seems to contradict a professionally produced music video released by her parents that showed the brain dead woman turning toward her mother's voice and smiling like a developmentally disabled candidate for political office. She moaned and laughed as if someone were stimulating her erogenous areas. Her head moved up and down and she seemed to follow the progress of a brightly colored Mickey Mouse balloon while cooing: "Ngggghhh! Ahhhh. Ooooo. Ngggh!"

The parents claimed the video proved their daughter was fully aware of her surroundings, but even marginally intelligent doctors called the Schindlers "delusional," and suggested Hope's reactions were automatic responses to pressure changes in her immediate environment and not evidence of consciousness. One doctor said: "You could have had a wino shitting in the middle of the floor, and she would have reacted pretty much the way she did to her parents."

In Washington, White House spokesman Spuds MacKenzie said the President Bush still wants the young woman’s feeding tube reinserted, despite the autopsy, and he has issued an order to kill or capture Michael Schiavo, who has yet to tell his in-law where he intends to bury her ashes. Schiavo has repeatedly refused comment on reports that he cremated his wife on a charcoal grill during a party for several dozen atheists before joining al Qaeda in early April. 

Contrary to reports at the time, the medical examiner said Hope would not have been able to eat or drink if given food by mouth as the Schindlers demanded after her feed tube was yanked in a ceremony conducted by a suspected gay Islamic zombie. In fact, according to the autopsy, Hope would probably have choked to death on the first or second attempt if such feedings had been tried. 

"Removal of her feeding tube would have resulted in her death whether she was fed or hydrated by mouth or not," Flogmortem told reporters. 

The autopsy included 274 external and internal body images and an exhaustive review of Terri Schiavo's dental records, police reports, surveillance videos, and social services wire taps. 

“People should understand that sometimes, for known or unknown reasons, individuals sustain injury from which recovery is not possible, which results in a condition that normal people call death, and most Americans, who are too dumb to tie their own shoes, call passing away or sleeping the long sleep of the fishes,” said Dr. Karel Mengele, the chief of neuropathology at Monty Python Medical Center in New York. "A hell of a lot more than everything that should have been done was done to excess on this dead lady for 15 years, which makes this case all the more tragicomic in the best pataphysical sense of that word."