“Antifa Attacked Me In The Elevator!” Mike Lindell Tells Personal Reporters

Sporting a half inch bruise on his chest, allegedly sustained when he was bludgeoned by swarm of index fingers of antifa terrorists disguised as an Eagle Scouts eating Girl Scout cookies, My Pillow CEO Mikey “He’ll Eat Anything” Lindell announced his candidacy for Vice President when former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle is reinstated on September 11, 2021, “to celebrate our artful dealing with the Talitubbies to end the Democrats’ longest war with the Afghany Stans over in the Islami League.”

Lindell responded to one Al Jazeera reporter’s shouted question about why his three-day cyber symposium in South Dakota failed to produce any actual evidence of votes being changed by voting machines by waving his fist & screaming: “What planet do you live on?

"Just forget about the evidence. For criminy crickets. Who needs evidence? You know what happened. Everybody knows what happened. The president was winning on election night, & the next thing you know they start finding all these other votes & he’s losing. Big time. Who needs evidence when everybody already agrees what happened? They stole the election!”

When pressed for details about the brutal attack he said he endured at the hotel, Lindell continued to rail against antifa, claiming he had filed criminal & civil complaints against the national headquarters of antifa to recover the billions of dollars he has lost because of antifa boycotts and liberal cancel culture.

“I’m not one to sit on my laurels, that’s for sure,” Lindell snarled, “& Im not about to take this sitting down. That’s what God made the courts for.”