“We Know Our Known Knowns,” Unnamed Nimrods Declare

According to a newly released report from the House Repugnicunt Alternative Certitude Committee, COVID-19 was leaked by the Chinese Communist Party on September 11, 2019, the 18th anniversary of one of the worst attacks on American Democracy since the election of John F. Kennedy in 1960, which left the United States with no Nazi prick to kick around for nearly a decade.

One of several rumored sequels to their  best-selling theory that antifa & Black Lives Matter rigged the 2020 election to deprive our great nation of everlasting prosperity by stealing the contest from Donald J. Trump, the greatest American president since the administration of Pharoah Khufu, the GOP’s latest unleashing of the Kraken insists that  “a preponderance of the evidence proves that all roads lead to where we’ve been telling you all along, from way before we began this investigation to prove ourselves wrong, & failed miserably, we might add.

“That road and all those roads lead to Anthony Fauci’s Wutang Clan Institute of Virology. Why is anyone surprised by this evidence? Why must you question these irrefutable alternative facts? If you don’t like our findings, you should either shut up & wait until we kick your asses in the next election, or try to prove us wrong, which is impossible, because there’s no way you can change our minds, because we are loyal to America & to everything she stands for, whether you like it or not.”

“It is our firm & unshakeable belief that the Kung Flu virus leaked approximately 12 hours & 1 minute after lunch on Tuesday, which was Wednesday, September 11, 2019, the cosmic time in the universe, which turns out to be the exact same time former Chilean dictator Salvadore Allende committed suicide by self-inflicted airstrike exactly 46 years ago, according to the official record,” read the report in part, as released by Texas Rep. Michael McCaul, head Repugnicunt on the House Foreign Affairs Committee.