"If It’s The First Thing I Do,” President In Exile Promises

With his reinstatement as president less than 10 days away, Coup Master & all-around son of a bitch Donald J. Turdwaffle has been meeting with his shadow cabinet members and top secret joints chiefs of staff on how best to maintain order while correcting the problems created during the last 6 catastrophic months of Sleepy Joe Biden’s illegitimate usurpation of America’s great heritage.

“I can’t thank My Pillow Guy Mike Intel enough for all his planning. On the re-inauguration. It will be a reinauguration, like a do-over, except this time we get it right, and the country will get back to being great again like we made it over the last four glorious years, despite all the Democrat obstruction. 

“I want everyone to be there in Washington on August 13th for our “Show Us The Way” rally to show the deep state that we don’t back down when the dough gets tough,” the president told a crowd outside a Paramus, NJ, Dollar Store, “It’s time for the weak ones to get out of the way. This is the time for strength. You have to show strength, and you have to be strong!”

“We’ll be going to the Capitol. We will We will never give up. We will never concede. That’s not how we make America great. That just doesn’t happen. The country's had enough of these lies about my participation in this antifa coup. That’s what it was. It was an antifa coup. Everybody knows that. Even the Democrats agree. And if that happens, you have an illegitimate presidential thingie. That’s what you'll have, and nobody wants that. Me least of all.

“You don’t concede when there’s a theft involved,” the fat little guy railed on. "Even if it seems like petty cash to most patriotic Americans. Because if you don’t fight like hell you’re not going to have a country anymore, which is a shame for our country, because we were so great, but now the liberals and socialists will tear down the last of the glorious wall we built on our southern border until antifa tore it down in the dead of night, in the dead of night, who does things in the dead of night until they’ve got something to hide, & with the wall gone, they let COVID into Florida just to hurt my good friend Governor Ron. He’s a great guy. I like him. Everybody thinks so.

“I swear to you on my wives that I will never forget all the great things you very fine people did for our country, your country. It’s your country & I’m proud that oyu have decided I should run it. Never forget. Remember when they used to say never forget back in November when we we’re winning the election big that first night, & then BOOM, just like that they find all these Democrat ballots. I ask you, how suspicious is that? Where did they find all these Democrats?

“I know the liberals and socialists are going to hate on me more for this, they want to cancel everything, they want to cancel our flag, they want to cancel our rallies, cancel everything, cancel hate speech. What’s next? What about love speech? It’s amazing how much they get away with.

“But I swear to everyone here and everyone at home watching on GETTR that I will not be swayed by arguments that make me look bad, no matter how good they might look to our enemies, who are your enemies. The enemy of the people. See? Look at that! What did I tell you? Say one little thing about the lamestream media and all those little red lights go on.

"I cannot be bought. Because of you. You put your trust in me to make America great again, & that’s just what my administration did. We’re still doing it, & we’re continuing to continue doing it & keeping it that way, which is why I promise all of you that one of my first acts upon regaining access to the presidential Sharpie is I will pardon everybody who voted for me & even those who maybe couldn’t vote for me because of all the mail-in fraud in November, which we are still auditing. We’re still auditing. We audit everything.

"Like my taxes. My taxes. How many times will these Democrats keep asking for my taxes. Think of all the money they have wasted asking for my taxes. How do you get through to these Democrats?

“August 13th. Remember the date. August 13th. We meet the same place as last time & this time we get to free our prisoners!”