“I’ve Never Heard Of The Guy,” Says Former Guy

Attempting to further distance himself from his failed January 6th insurrection, Donald J. Trump went on Fox News today to call reports about his speech at the “Stop The Steal Rally” urging his supporters to liberate the Capitol from liberal socialist congresswomen beholden to antifa & Black Lives Matter terrorists another example of the mainstream media promoting fake news.

“It’s more fake news! I wasn't even there. I was playing golf, like I did every chance I got since I beat Hillary Clinton and her emails, fair & square, just as I pormised in my campaign to my deplorables, & I’ve kept that promise. I always keep my promises when it’s good for my businesses. I played golf more than all the other presidents in all of history combined & I’m still playing golf every day as I wait until my reinstatement later this month. Don’t ask me who it was. I don’t know who it was. Some say it was that no-talent Alec Baldwin, & other says it was Stephen Colbert, a failed comedian who can’t even pronounce my name right.

“Personally, I think it may have been a friend of one of Melanie’s body doubles, but one thing I do know for sure is I had nothing to do with anything. Never have. My hands are clean.”