I Hope It’s Not Rigged!

I sat down last night with a cup of hot Colbert and dared to let myself be known.

Best sandwich?

Sardines and sweet onions.

What's one thing you own that you really should throw out?

Any lingering American Family Values.

What is the scariest animal?

The Brown Recluse Spider.

Apples or oranges?

The Colorado Orange. You can put hummus on it, and it’s orange.

Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

You mean besides Art, some guy with no arms or legs my old man hung on the wall in the foyer once? 

What do you think happens when we die?

I still won’t answer the phone.

Favorite action movie?

Vanishing Point.

Favorite smell?

Salt spray on the ocean.

Least favorite smell?

Fish and crab guts left out to rot on an otherwise pristine public beach.

Exercise: worth it?

Who’s asking? I didn’t know I had to pay for it.

Flat or sparkling?

Sparkling. It also helps me sequester the bubbles as farts to fight climate change.

Most used app on your phone?

Tide Tables.

You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?

Watermelon In Easter Hay.

What number am I thinking of?

I’m not paid to remember your number.

Describe the rest of your life in 5 words?

What’s it worth to you?