Residents Encouraged To Conserve Water And Ride This Thing Out

The National Weather Service gave the parched US West some good news and bad news this morning, noting that life is “not a matter of liking whether the glass is half empty or completely dry, especially when there’s not enough to go around.”

The good news is it’s been more than a 1,200 years since the climate of the American West was this dry, which bodes well for the tourist industry in luring dollars from bleak rain-soaked crime-ridden cities in the North.

The bad news is the region can no longer support more than half a million people, so a consortium of land-owners who control most of the West has been tasked with developing a lottery system to determine what to do with approximately 78 million humans currently sticking to the Earth’s surface in the area.

Details to follow.