We’re All Making Choices Today

“And you’re choosing to be an asshole,” said the unidentified woman wearing a Hello I’m Not An Asshole nametag. “Read the room, buddy,” she said, motioning to the aisles filled with masked and socially distanced shoppers and employees, except for Gov. Glenn Youngkin (R-Word, VA) and his entourage of feckless Repugnicunts.

The Trumpian nimrods stormed the store to drum up support for his plan to eliminate the state’s grocery tax to help pay for his efforts to prevent the removal of more statues memorializing the losers of the Civil War and the racist assholes who continue trying to rid the US of uppity nigras ever since.

“This is our heritage!” Youngkin shouted, waving the Stars & Bars, “and if they want to remove these statues they’ll have to pay for it themselves. If we have to eliminate all taxes in the state to preserve our supply-side plantation economy, then so be it.” 

After the group was chased to the city limits by irate shoppers and stock clerks, Youngkin spokesscumbag MacRicky Bacallah issued a statement calling the incident “unfortunate” and blamed it all on a “misunderstanding about Virginian’s God-given right to choose whether you want a chance to catch the Rona. The governor often says if you want to wear a mask, wear a mask, but in Virginia you get to choose, unless you’re trying to catch me in a gotcha moment over illegal abortions.”