He's Busy That Week Solving The Climate Crisis And Transient Inflation

Apparently, when former first son-in-law Jared “Not To Be Confused With The Subway Guy” Kushner told reporters late last year that he wasn’t in business only for the money, but that he has no interest in chasing accolades for his tireless efforts on behalf of the poor and downtrodden, he wasn’t kidding.

Now that Ivanka’s money manager has been nominated, just like his father-in-law before him, for the world’s most hilariously-named prize funded in honor of the man that made improvised explosive devices an actual thing that kills thousands of innocent civilians around the world every day, I hear the bookies in Vegas aren’t willing to give odds on whether Jared will finally take home the coveted gold-plated humanitarian butt plug this year.

 So it goes.

Jared was nominated by Rep. Lee Zeldin (R-Word, NY), a man who wears the odor of Donald J. Turdwaffle’s anus on his lips like a salve of bee balm in bee’s wax, not just for “his splendid work on bringing lasting peace to the Middle East,” but also for his wonderful work directing the administration’s market-driven pandemic response that saw obscene growth in targeted sectors of the economy.

“Few remember,” Zeldin wrote in his nomination of the squeaky little shit, “how Jared tore our economic destiny out of the hands of the doctors and put them back in the hands of president and his hand-picked journalists, thus assuring that the entire world would share in the successes of vanquishing the coronavirus with very little impact on the stock market. Anyone with any wealth can’t not appreciate all that Jared’s ceaseless work to preserve value in this uncertain times has done for all of us, including the homeless.

“He was at times perhaps a bit overly optimistic in his forecasts of when the pandemic would finally disappear like a miracle,” as the former twice-impeached, unindicted co-conspirator was wont to say, Zeldin continued, “as when he declared the pandemic completely and totally under control in April of 2020, but his heart was in the right place, and every investor is better off for it.”