Lorena Boebert Demands Family’s Safe Return

After years of being accused by critics of keeping her head up her ass for safe-keeping while her seditious sphincter did the talking, Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) decided to do something about it.

She hired Bomboni Brothers Cryogenics to store the craniums of the entire Boebert family “until Democrats go extinct and real Americans are once again to walk freely on the surface of the planet God gave us dominion over, including the beasts of the air, land, and sea.”

Someone apparently broke into the Bomboni Brothers truck in broad daylight as it waited the light to change, stealing the complete collection of heads of the Boebert household, along with an amber Ball jar believed to contain nearly half a pound of Craggy County Umber.

Boebert is hoping to start a GoFundMe campaign to raise $200 dollars she is offering in exchange for the safe return of her family’s frozen heads, “but only if the dental work is intact.”

The incident was described as “pretty fucking hilarious” by resident Richard Head.

“This shit happens all the time with these nimrods,” Head said, who was humping his pooch as the theft occured. “I remember when she cut the dick off her first husband for voting Independent and then blamed it on Hispanics flooding across the border.”