This Is The Equivalent Of Taxation Without Reciprocal Remediation

The Murdoch family served notice to Vladimir Putin this morning that they going to play hardball over the Kremlin’s routine unedited rebroadcast of the Tucker Carlson show. “That’s our baby, Vlad,” Dilbert “Goombah” Murdoch texted Putin over the weekend, “and nobody uses our baby without paying the regular fees.”

Although Carlson is widely known as America’s most highly-paid developmentally disabled rectal polyp, he is also considered a political scientist of considerable repute by the Society for Sebaceous Cysterhood and the Repugnicunt Party, and is reportedly in great demand among despots, businessmen, and the heavily-armed, who are still seeking a way to lead our nation of miserable fucks out of its decades-long obsession with denying its malaise, a condition first openly acknowledged by President Carter.

Carter was hounded from office after forcing millions of Americans to ask one another what “malaise” means and if it is contagious, but in nearly half a century since, our nation of miserable fucks continues to deny the emptiness at the core of American family values, which are currently being considered for entry in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2022.

Meanwhile, Tucker “Freedom Trucker” Carlson has yet to comment on Russia’s use of his broadcast as state-sponsored propaganda throughout the former Soviet Union, responding when asked by a late reporter if he was being paid to support the invasion of Ukraine with a curt: “Nyet!” 

Murdoch ended his text stream by warning Putin: “Don’t make me take my belt off and bring out the big boys.”