Feeding Frenzy Ensues Among GOP Presidential Hopefuls

As the House January 6 Select Committee continued to fire nails into the fake crucifix upon which former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and kind of guy who forgets to bring the fake rope to his fake lynching, Donald Grabito Pussolini, has positioned himself with the complete & total support of a complicit liberal media, Butch Cassidy Hutchison, the top former aide to Pussolini’s former Chief of Stiffies, Easy Mark Meadows (R-Word, NC) testified that the demented former führer attempted to wrest control of the bad precedential limousine so he could lead the armed mob in taking over the Capitol.

“I’m the fucking president,” Pussolini was said to have said, or something to that effect, “and I can do whatever the fuck I want!” according to the latest witness to his lifelong fascinaton of seeing how much he can get away with.

“Whoa,” said one former Pussolini aide, “Talk about smoking guns, that’s like a fucking missile launcher complete with the vapor trail.”

“We’re fucked, man,” said another, booking a flight to a shit hole country with no US extradiction treaty.

Repugnicunt members of the House Judiciary Committee quickly dismissed Hutchinson’s testimony as “a  big fat nothingburger with vegan cheese. That was their star witness? OK then.” In private, the remnants of the Teabagger Revolution vowed to get even, although they declined to elaborate. Considering the human species is less than a decade from extinction, they better hurry up.

The former president wasted no time Truthing that if it isn’t on Truth or his new MxM #AltReich app, it’s #FakeNews, and he’s not worried. “What are they going to do, impeach me again?” Pussolini trolled the lucid world, “They’ll have to reinstate me first. Let’s see how that goes.”

Although Pussolini claimed he isn’t even watching the hearings and hasn’t watched any news except Fox and ONAN since 2001, Pussolini had some pretty specific comments about things of which he claimed to have no knowledge. Much like his entire presidency.

The failed fat fuck of a führer said he hardly knew Hutchinson, whom he termed “one sick puppy, everybody says she’s bad news. Definitely not my type.”

Pussolini posted in a subsequent Truth that he suspects “this confused young woman was very upset and angry that I didn’t want her,” adding that he wasn’t surprised that “she made up a story she couldn’t sell using my agent so she used the House UNSELECT Witch Hunt to promote this thing she wants to make into a movie. Everybody wants a piece of me.”

When we attempted to ask Mr. Pussolini whether he was saying Hutchinson wouldn’t let him grab her pussy or she was mad because he wasn’t interesting in her pussy, we realized that we are still currently 6,666 in the Truth Social app cue, so he obviously has not responded. Matt Gaetz didn’t give us an estimate of when our account may finally be approve because he’s interviewing for a new team of lawyers.