You’ll Never Go Hungry With KuklaM*A*S*H, Volume 2, Chapter 16, Verse 17

Wow. This crowd, see what this is? Nobody ever had crowds like these since Jesus. Goes hundreds of yards behind those fake cameras. Look at that. Man. Unbelievable. So beautiful. And Tommy, I love to see Tommy. I love Tommy. He’s doing a great job. You’d have to be dead & blind not to love Tommy.

I said, “Tommy, when are you running for Senate? You’ll have my complete & total endorsement.” And he did a good job. He was a natural and he was a rah-rah coach, but he was a great coach, not just with the pom-poms.

I asked Urkle Myers, one of the greatest coaches ever before he went professional, “How good a coach was Tommy Tumorville?” He said, “He beat me twice, sir. He’s the only one ever beat me twice.”

Tommy called me on Nov 3 to congratulate me on my great victory. 

“Congratulations, sir,” Tommy said, “It’s clear that the American people have overwhelmingly chosen you as their president for life.”

President for life. That has a ring to it. But Tommy was right. It was also clearer that we had won Georgia. We were up by 2.5 percent or 117,000 votes with only 7 percent of the legal votes left to count. They were never gonna catch us. They couldn’t catch us. No way. And Tommy knew it.

“If only we can stop the count before all those illegal mail-in ballots, sir.”

If only.

But to be fair I said, “Tommy, you beat Alabama six times.” I said, “How can you possibly expect the people of Alabama to vote for you?” He said, “Sir, because I gave them my only begotten son, a coach named Sabin. Because of me they have St. Nick Sabin…”