And The Lord Unleashed A Plague of Puns Upon Us, Chapter 50, Verse 37

Do you remember the time I walked to the church through the valley of the shadow of death reading The Bible for guideposts? I always seek guideposts when there are bad decisions to fix. When I first became your favorite president, we had 300 years of bad Democrat decisions to fix, starting with the Iran nuclear deal. What a disaster. I fixed that. No problem.

Remember in my great platform for 2020 where we would renegotiate the Louisiana Purchase and the Sewer Folly Ferry? We got robbed by the Russians on those deals. Or the French. Does it really matter? So many bad decisions. So many disasters.

I fixed the climate of course against the European onions to save our beautiful coal workers, many of who used to live right here in Alabama. You catch that? Did I get it right or what? Remember when they tried to catch me on person, man, woman, camera, TV? I aced it, just like I aced the climate right here in Alabama in defeating Dorian. 

And I’ve always said if it ever happens, if I ever forget where I am and start making things up, you can forget about the rest of the night because the speech is gonna be a total disaster. If you can’t remember where you are, how could you possibly remember what to say to the people from wherever you can’t remember?

In other words, “It’s great to be in South Carolina with you people tonight,” I’d say to you, right here in Coleman, but if that ever happened, it’s a disaster. You might as well just walk off the stage. Because you could be Winston Churchill, great speaker, great guy, not too good at golf, no fun at a party, but he’s got a great reputation, but no skills in social. You should have seen him with Frederick Douglass. What a disaster…

You could be Winston Churchill, the great Winston Churchill, make a great increment rest of the speech but it’s a disaster. The only difference is, if you make a speech, if he does it, which he does all the time in different forms, the press doesn’t cover it. And then they try to make it sound like I was the one who couldn’t remember where he was, but I knew. I know. You know. Everyone knows I knew. I know.

I’m right here in Coleman. Nowhere near South Carolina. Even North Carolina. I know where things are.