I misread a story by Sarah Kaplan today
It was a story about Neanderthals. It originally appeared in The Washington Post, but I saw it in The Oregonadian/OregonadiaLive, an Advance Publication for mass click debaters. The story nestled among other unrelated journalistic gems from stiff and wired reports about the Border Patrol no longer being able to perform background checks on new hires because of funding cuts and the need to hire thousands more agents to kill or capture Mexicans under President* Donnie Dimwit’s hingeless immigration policies. Another AP story discussed the Day Without Women protests that made Donnie’s pussy-grabbing hands itch, and the page was rounded out with a story on an ISIS attack on a hospital in Afghanistan and a Dear Abby column about “parental alienation.” The only things missing were ads for incontinence diapers, edible crotchless underwear, and great new investment opportunities.
The headline chosen for Sarah’s story was
Neanderthal teeth show diet based on locale
Really? Like everyone else in this nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™), I had always assumed our ancestors could order out or purchase exotic foods from whatever Amazon was called back in the Neanderthal heyday. But it turns out, Neanderthals apparently ate shit that they found nearby, at least according to an analysis of tooth enamel of four dead people who lived between 42,000 and 50,000 years before the Age of Trump on land that would later be occupied by the EU in Belgium and Spain.
In fact, the dead people in what is now Belgium ate shit that was much different from the shit eaten by the dead people in what is now Spain. If the area had better infrastructure, food delivery services would have sprung up to ensure that dead people everywhere had equal access to the same old shit, like we do today.
Perhaps most surprising was that examination of dental plaque on one of the dead Spaniards found traces of aspirin and penicillin, thousands of years before those substances were considered to be marketable commodities.
I’m waiting for follow-up studies to determine where these people got their news and information. Aren't you?
