Waiting On The World To Change…
After Colin Sigmoidy successfully delayed his execution on grounds that he didn’t have a choice between ways of being put to death, the South Carolina legislature sprang into action & closed that loophole in May by allowing inmates on death row to choose between electrocution & being mowed down by crowds of rowdy highschoolers with AR-15s.
Until very recently, the uppity judicially doomed could choose between lethal injection & getting fried like a crackling, but then liberals & antifa began boycotting companies that manufacture lethal injection drugs. Around the same time, inmates discovered a quirk in South Carolina’s humanoid pest control & eradication system they could use to postpone their good riddance from moderate society indefinitely. With only two choices available & the drugs required for lethal injection unavailable, only the most suicidal of death row inmates chose electrocution.
By May of this year, the number of inmates waiting for lethal injection in the state had ballooned to more than 2,996 & threatened to overwhelm the state's primitive sewage system, so #Repugnicunts worked feverishly to provide inmates with a safe & effective alternative to lethal injection.
Lawyers, who spoke only on condition of anonymity to prevent their own eradication, filed class action suits on behalf of inmates requiring that all executions be suspended until the new law allowing a firing squad option has been fully reviewed by the state’s Bureau of Human Resources & Mime Mining, with written procedures & policies approved by the House Committee On Renewable Energy. They also demand a robust training program, including community outreach to guage public opinion about making deaths by firing squad pay-for-view events on a state-run secure streaming platform.
Meanwhile, some inmates question why they can’t ask to be booted off the planet by spear chuckers from the Society for Creative Anachronism or pierced by batteries of archers from the Battle Of Agincourt reenactors during the annual Modoc Buzzard Festival.
Henrique Chinaski has filed his own suit, demanding he be allowed to leave this mortal coil with a thermonuclear device inserted in his poop chute.
Said one veteran termination observer: “This whole clown show is about to get messy.”
