Antifa Ruled Out In Natural Eco-Terrorism Case
After ruling out early conjecture that the Army Of The Houseless Oregonians had raided the Lyon’s Ferry Hatchery in search of food, or the absence of even a single Black Lives Matter activist within 500 miles of the site, authorities had hoped to pin the loss of more than a quarter million smolts on antifa, but she was having dinner with uncle fa and family friends at the time of their disappearance.
After intense efforts to blame the failure on staff or equipment, investigators were left with no choice but to blame the catastrophe on the Palouse Falls Pussies, a ragamuffin squadron of feral commando cats capable of consuming their own body weight in a single meal and expelling it all in a single fart.
Led by mixed breed martial artists Jimmy, Bobo, and Pearly Gates, the Pussies have raided Northwest hatcheries for nearly two decades, distributing the bulk of their spoils to area no-kill shelters.
