Stupid Is As Stupid Votes

According to unnamed sources nearer to God than I, more than 9 million uneducated very fine people showed up to cast their missing ballots for Donald J. Turdwaffle at a rally in Cullman, Alabama on August 21, 2021, and history may never be the wiser for it.

The rally was intended to raise trillions of dollars to keep Reagan’s supply-side plantation economy intact — because if something’s not broke, then don’t fix it — while making the state Repugnicunts feel a little more confident they were not being targeted by QAnon. The ballots were among more than 330 million GOP votes discovered hidden in a Black Lives Matter fanny pack during the Arizona audit.

While searching for the comprehensive transliteration of Turdwaffle’s entire one and a half hour oration of biblical proportions, I came across exactly what I was looking for in all its delusional glory on rev.com, a site that provides machine and human transcription services, as well captions and subtitling for videos, for a fee. It also has a nifty online transcript library just waiting for paleo-pataphysicians to catalogue & defile.

As I began reading, I was struck by the sheer fabulous magnificence of our former failed führer’s turdsmithing, finding it on par with some of the finest orthodox scriptures for which hundreds of millions of very fine people have killed to avoid being killed by a significant portion of our planet’s passionately intense.

I was inspired like Sgt. York of old to commit myself to a higher power, sharing a vision of the past, present, & future of our nation of miserable fucks in a series of COVID-enabled fever-dreams, as ad-libbed by an idiot. Hence, I began transcribing & occasionally slightly editing the rev.com transcription for clarity, using their time-stamped divisions as paragraph & verse with hastily imagined section and chapter headings for the greatest 21st century epic misadventure that we all deserve, although we have no need for.

This structure led me to suspect that The Epic Of KuklaM*A*S*H oughter best to be viewed as a fragment of a larger & even more incoherent narration of the great origins of the even greater America we might one day once again become, whatever chills that may send through your spine.

If you want to compare this divinely inspired retelling of Turdwaffle’s tale by the very fineweb worst of his disciples to the source, you can find the unbelievable original at Donald Trump Cullman, Alabama Rally Speech Transcript.