Saturday, September 16, 2023
It Doesn’t Take Much To Turn A Regular Headline Into An Honest HeadlineThat’s why whenever our ace in the hole journalists here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge And Laundromat get a chance to set the record pataphysically straight, we do not shy from the task.
Thursday, March 23, 2023
There’s A Reason The US Liberated So Many Nazis After WWIIGranted, it wasn't a particularly good reason, but when has that ever stopped our bloodthirsty ignorant population from celebrating carnage?
Take the NRA.
Please.
Monday, January 9, 2023
Hard-Whiners Demand Right To Reinstate Former Insurrectionist In Chief To Keep Law And Order“Everything is on the table,” wimpiest speaker in US history tells fawning reporters, “with a few secret negotiations going on under it, of course, because that’s what has traditionally made America great."
Wednesday, January 4, 2023
...Assuming You Choose To Ignore The Entire White Supremacist Neo-Nazi Thing They Have Going#TheTerribleSwiftianSword
Monday, January 2, 2023
Auntie Smitty Says, Be Nice Now, Boys#PundyRaunch
Wednesday, December 28, 2022
A Mexican Restaurant Will Replace Rep. Lorena Boebert's NRA-Themed Shooter’s Bar And GrillDozens of deplorable supporters of idiocy, the GOP, fund-raising Christianity, and former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator and pussy-grabbing golf-cheater what’s his name, took to the streets this morning...
Saturday, December 24, 2022
Even Without A Little Green RosettaYeah, but what am I supposed to say that wouldn’t suggest a conflict of interest that is unlikely soon be resolved, if we were permitted to view the world through the lens of critical race theory, but what the fuck, promoted by a hemorrhoidally challenged buttfucking-addicted...
Wednesday, December 14, 2022
I Assumed It Was The Latest Marketing Effort By Iowa To Remain Competitive In The Early Primary Marketing SeasonOops.
My bad.
The real story was not about hot nookie for sale at a red state county fair, but rather about the latest efforts by frustrated federally-funded lab rats to create a purely...
Wednesday, November 30, 2022
It’s Now Called Honkeypox#TheTerribleSwiftianSword from #PundyRaunch
Tuesday, November 22, 2022
“I Never Thought COVID Would Kill A Million Non-Gay Americans"As if our fellow citizens haven’t always been stupid enough to kill themselves to preserve the prevailing white American family values. Heil Reagan!
#PundyRaunch
Tuesday, November 15, 2022
The Founding Fathers Never Realized How Quickly We’d Be Overrun By All These Humanists, Feminazis, Tik Tok Teens, Gays, Uppities, and IllegalsThe only time I encounter Repugnicunts is during the election yard sign season. I never see signs for Democrats, but I do live in a Democratic state populated...
Monday, November 7, 2022
I’m Still Not Sure Why I Would Want To Attract Flies In The #AmericaFirst Place, But Hell, We’re In #AmericaFirst, The Dumbest Fucking Country On The Dumbest Fucking Planet I Know, So Let’s Go For It Ron! Slather My Loins In Honey!I’ve just been advised this post will likely piss off your run-of-the-mill...
Thursday, November 3, 2022
Only Idiots Agree With Current Polls On Midterms According To Bigots Against IdiotsNinety percent of Republican voters agree. The racist motherfucking assholes.
Oh!
You upset?
Stop being a stupid racist motherfucking asshole.
Or die.
I don’t give a shit either way.
Neither does your...
Tuesday, October 11, 2022
Maher Steps In Own Foul Rhetoric On Wing Nut Pod People CastApocalyptians applaud.
Wednesday, September 7, 2022
DOJ Counters With Franz Kafka#TheAmericanWay!
Friday, September 2, 2022
This Is The Last Thing We Need Right Now After 2020 Says GOPMAGA Repugnicunts claim Biden’s speech in Philly attacking racist Nazis in Trump’s GOP base is an attack on half of the nation, despite no evidence that the original 796 breeding pairs rescued from Europe after WWII numbers more than two or...
Friday, August 26, 2022
Officials Had Been Wondering Why No One Had Come ForwardSeveral taxing entities have declined comment on word that the latest humongous MegaMillions jackpot is the latest in a long line of multmillion dollar jackpots won by state sponsors of terrorism, this time by Saudi Arabian tourist Malcolm bin...
Wednesday, August 24, 2022
Embattled Shithole State Nazi Pigfucker Attempts To Play The Woe Is Me CardPerennial anti-woke mob teabagging PTA candidate, Rep. Marjoe Faylure Malaprop (R-Word, GA) was quick to deny any involvement in the recent swatting call against herself.
“I may be stupid,” Malaprop told a fatberg of eager...
Tuesday, August 23, 2022
Even The Asian Ones
Monday, August 22, 2022
Lady G Needs Time To Fabricate New Evidence Of InnocenceA federal appeals court on Sunday temporarily put on hold a lower court’s order requiring that U.S. Insurrectionist Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Word, SC) testify under oath before a special grand jury that already knows he is guilty of illegal efforts...
Saturday, August 20, 2022
Gesundheit#TheTerribleSwiftianSword
Monday, August 15, 2022
Kochsucking Nazi Cockroaches Scurry Back Into Hidey HolesA pro-supidity rally in front of the FBI’s Washingto, D.C. headwaurters was mocked by Tik Tok Teens on Sunday after no one showed up at the heavily advertised event that promised to reinstate former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and...
Friday, August 12, 2022
We Told You We Would Fix Obabacare. Promises Made, Promises KeptThe GOP wasted no time taking credit for Joe Biden’s victory in passing the Inflation Reduction Act, claiming that without their united opposition to Democrat efforts, the bill would never have passed.
“The Democrat will try to paint...
Thursday, August 11, 2022
Most Of Mine Are Dead & I Hope Most Of Yours Are TooIf you think that’s an un-Christian position to take as we continue our silly slog toward mutually assured extinction, then maybe you deserve what’s coming for you.
It’s the same as is coming for everyone, even those who are almost self-aware....
Wednesday, August 10, 2022
In This Country Anyone Can Grow Up To Be The Worst He Or She Can BeIn my nearly 76 years of drinking and drugging heavily in a futile attempt to determine what’s so fucking great about sobriety, one thing has stood out in examining the hopes and dreams of too many of my fellow citizens in this nation...
Monday, August 8, 2022
We’re Mad As Hell And We’re Not Going To Take It AnymoreAs our global extinction deadline fast approaches, most proudly uneducated Americans remain unconvinced that the planet will also be uninhabitable for them, despite overwhelming consensus among scientists that we have already passed the point...
Saturday, August 6, 2022
Uneducated Minds Want To KnowOh, is it too soon after the fossil-fueled KY Jelly floods?
#ExistentialTrickQuestions
Friday, August 5, 2022
I Apologize For Letting Everything Go To Shit. I Really Thought You Assholes Would Be More Like MeReached at his vacation home in the Gashole Galaxy, a spokesangel for the Big Guy admitted that his creation had resulted in unforeseen consequences that mayb force Him to abandon the entire idea of constructing...
Sunday, July 31, 2022
There’s A New MAGA In Town
Hey Abbott! I liked you better with Costello.
Friday, July 29, 2022
Either You’re A Patriot Stopping The Steal Or Liberal Scum, Frivolous Fascists ProclaimI guess the GOP is betting most of these vets and their family members and friends will die before the mid-term elections.
#TheTerribleSwiftianSword
#IToldYouSo in 1896.
Sunday, July 24, 2022
This Is Tommy’s Meta Market…I’m really counting on dying to help me answer our current #ExistentialTrickQuestions.
Thursday, July 21, 2022
If At First You Don’t Secede, Try, Try, Try Again“Why haven’t the Dems let us investigate whether the Emancipation Proclamation was legal or an uncompensated taking of property from our very fine neighbors of the Southern persuasion?” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspriator and first morbidly...
Thursday, July 14, 2022
Turdwaffle Posts On Truth Social: ‘I Have No Idea Who This Woman Is, I Barely Recognize The Name, So She It’s Obvious She’s Lying'Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator beleaguered failed führer Donaldo Grabito Pussolini apparently confused breaking news that his first Russian bride and mother...
Monday, July 11, 2022
Don’t Matter What Party They Belong To; Nazis SuckAfter 40 years of our minority-rule #ReaganLegacy of a supply-side plantation economy propped up by a militarized community police state, it’s no wonder our nation of miserable fucks can’t find time to address the fast-approaching fossil-fueled global...
Saturday, July 9, 2022
Do You Like The Part You’re Playing?I haven’t managed to lose at Wordle yet, so I thought I’d try Quordle
Daily Quordle 166
2️⃣4️⃣
5️⃣3️⃣
quordle.com
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬜⬜⬜🟨⬜
⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ 🟨🟨⬜⬜⬜
⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ 🟨🟨⬜🟨⬜
⬜⬜⬜🟨⬜ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
⬜🟨⬜🟩🟩 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛
It’s...
Wednesday, July 6, 2022
More Than 220 Americans Killed By Gunfire During Celebration Of Explosions & Other Noisy Pastimes, But Not A Single NRA MemberHey.
When it ain’t broke, as they say, don’t fix it.
That’s #TheAmericanWay.
Sunday, July 3, 2022
Why Doesn't It Get Better With Time?
Wednesday, June 22, 2022
Am I Not Just Another American Who Can Grow Up To Be President?Citing her abysmal approval ratings following her universally panned performance under oath during her duelling defaqmation trial with Johnny Depp, consummate actress Amber Heard (R-Word, #MeToo), announced formation of an exploratory committee...
Friday, June 17, 2022
A President Doesn’t Need To Ask Because He’s Commander In ChiefFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Ivanka’s alleged first lay, Grabito Pussolini, took to his personal blog this morning to deny he ever asked former vice president Mike “ e’ll Eat Anything” Pence to overturn the 2020...
Tuesday, June 14, 2022
I Swear To Tell The Truth, The Half Truth, And Nothing But The Social Truth, So Help Me, GodIn a lengthy statement only slightly less incoherent than his monumental Cullman, Alabama recitation of The Epic of Kuklamash, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the kind of COVID celebrity...
Saturday, June 11, 2022
This Is An Issue That Can Bring All Sides TogetherI propose that all offensive place names in our nation of miserable fucks be replaced with the kinds of names we won’t get tired of calling each other no matter who becomes our future woke crowd of know-it-all Nazis.
How about turning Squaw Mountain...
Saturday, June 11, 2022
Literals Show Fragrant Disregard For Our Unalienable Whites To Wife, Libertines, & The Pantsuit Of CrappinessMisrepresentative Marjoe Faylure Malaprop (R-Word, GA) emerged from her burrow this morning after another nightlong alternative reality battle with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (GND Socialist, NY)...
Wednesday, June 8, 2022
You Think COVID Was Bad?Looks like the real and imaginary diseases are learning much faster than the American Family Values nimrods they infect, which is fine by me. There will always be more caves than I can paint.
I see the CDC responded to early indications that some variants of the monkeypox...
Friday, June 3, 2022
Blithering Bloviator Blasts Bombastic Bestowal Body After Bull Durham Beat DownFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and die-hard champion of racist #AmericanFamilyValues, Grabito Pussolini, took to Troof Sentinel on Wednesday to slam “a jury packed with antifa, BLM, and illegal aliens”...
Tuesday, May 31, 2022
That Is Sure To End Our Reluctance To Accept American Carnage As A Way Of LifeI pledge allegiance to the guns of the United States of America, and to all the freedumb for which they stan, one notion of a clear con, indefensible, with sucking wounds and shrapnel for all.
Monday, May 30, 2022
Gringo To Open Peach Tree Dishes Restaurant ChainRep. Marjoe Faylure Gringo (R-Word, GA) has enlisted famed intellectual property attorney, Sonny Scheister, to monetize her most promising gaffe in her short, ludicrous career, before “antifa and the woke mob rip us off and mock us at the same time.”
Gringo...
Wednesday, May 25, 2022
But An Offensive Joke Can Drive Us To MurderI can’t remember where exactly in my great upbringing in #AmericanFamilyValues I first encountered that thought, but whenever I hear some wimp complaining that its feelings were hurt because someone treated it with indifference,flippancy,sarcasm, or even...
Tuesday, May 24, 2022
Don’t Let Them Steal Another Election!Former twice-impeached unindicted c-conspirator and guy who never won the popular vote in his life, Grabito Pussolini, weighed in on the Georgia R-Word gubernatorial primary early Tuesday, noting that the Save America wing of the nutjobs in the GOP had agreed to...
Sunday, May 22, 2022
Oh, The Humanity!For those still unclear on pataphysical concepts…
Tuesday, May 17, 2022
If God Wanted Americans Only To Shower Once A Week He Would Have Put It In The BibleAlthough I usually side with the Tik Tok Teens on most absurdities, their recent obsession with daily showers proves them to be just another variant of the classic American miserable fuck who can argue that preserving...
Saturday, May 14, 2022
Moon’s South Pole-Aitken Basin May Conceal Solar System’s First Chuck E. Cheese LocationA gargantuan structure has been discovered on the dark side of the moon, buried more than 180 miles beneath the moon’s perpetually frozen South Pole.
Researchers from Baylor University in No New Texas, USA, initially...
Friday, May 13, 2022
The US Senate Reaffirms Its Flaccid ImportanceSo this is what the world’s greatest deliberative body has come to: letting one self-important oily little prick dictate what democracy is while ignoring the will of an entire nation of miserable fucks because that’s #TheAmericanWay!
Tuesday, May 10, 2022
There’s So Much We Don’t Know About Our Sauropod AncestorsBut if humans are any indication of the heights of intellectual mastery a stable genus can achieve, fucking dinoaurs, man, those nimrods needed to go extinct. Every last one of them would still be waiting for former twice-impeached unindicted...
Sunday, May 8, 2022
The Nazi Resettlement Program Never Got Any Shit In The NewsAs my old man once said when I was old enough to understand what words meant, “We gotta pay the Nazis to fight the commies. You think them lousy commies gonna fight for nothing?”
People were created to fail and disappoint one another.
I...
Thursday, May 5, 2022
How Long Do You Think It Took Those Assholes To Admit They Seriously Thought Alito’s Dumbass Dialetical Dysentery Was Going To Make America Great Again?How surprised do you think Sam The Sham Alito was to discover his flowery fascist misogyny did not compare favorably to Kukla, Fran, and Ollie Wendell...
Wednesday, May 4, 2022
Tells Close Friend How Embarrassed She Is For Picking The Wrong CardsSen. Susan Vodka Collins (R-Word, ME) expressed consternation that her otherwise unreliable judgment had been proven so wrong with her recent Supreme Court confirmation votes.
“How could I have known they would lie to me under...
Tuesday, May 3, 2022
This Is What Modern Conservative Repugnicunts Call A Win-Win For EveryoneFinally, poor women of color will be able to fully participate in Old Rummy Reagan’s supply-side plantation economy by renting space in their wombs for rich white women who don’t have the time or patience to deal with their reproductive...
Friday, April 29, 2022
Calls Climate Change A Threat To America’s Great LawnsCiting statistics showing more than 95% of the world’s lawn care specialists live and work in the USA, The International Turf Tenders have threatened to withhold campaign contributions from Joe Manchin (Dumb F-Word, WV) and Kirsten Sinema (Dumb...
Wednesday, April 27, 2022
Former Twice-Impeached Unindicted Co-Conspirator Says He’s Still Being Treated UnfairlyFailed führer Grabito Pussolini reminded a wedding reception at his Doral Golf Resort this morning that since he never conceded the 2020 election he is technically more qualified to be president than “Sleepy Joe...
Monday, April 25, 2022
Turdwaffle Tells Uneducated Ohio Rally Crowd He Aced X-Test To Own The Radical Left ManiacsFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and the kind of guy only the Catholic hierarchy would trust alone with their unacknowledged offspring without video surveillance, Grabito Pussolini claimed Rep....
Sunday, April 24, 2022
We Need More Nimrods Globally To Beat These Liberal Wimps And Their Uppity Antifa Allies, Says Unnamed Source Close To The Big Sphincter At Mar A LagoWhen God created Americans, He looked around and said “WTF have I wrought?” without any sense of irony & He’s been living high on the indiscriminate...
Thursday, April 21, 2022
I Feel Like I Was Groomed To Love Uranus By White Christian Suburban Housewives"Who would do a thing like that?” someone asked, rectumhorically.
#ExistentialTrickQuestions
Monday, April 18, 2022
Not A Single One Is Risen Today, Says Rev Darwin D. GrimmNyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah,” says founder of the Church of the Oven of Peace, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Loung, & Laundromat, “I told you so!”
Sunday, April 17, 2022
Some Call The Vicious Attack Worse Than #TheSlap
Thursday, April 14, 2022
Illegal Interstellar Incursions Are Nothing New Says PaleoncologistIn a complete surprise to residents of South Dakota, the recent discovery of perfectly preserved dinosaur pilots in Tanis indicates that North Dakota does indeed exist, despite several well-documented expeditions into the mysterious...
Sunday, April 10, 2022
It’s A Miracle! Another Helms On Wheels Shouts To Admiring Crowd Of Nazi NimrodsBeleaguered freshman Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) ended his comments at a rally to raise money “ or the great heroes who are working so hard to Save America from antifa and wokism!” with an impassioned...
Friday, April 8, 2022
All Those Cow Memes Aren’t Helping EitherNo one knows if Devin Nunes has ever really had a dream during his miserable attempts to tell everyone else what to do, but one thing is certain: that beligerant asshole can really fuck up a wet reality show host’s idea of what a social media empire looks like....
Thursday, April 7, 2022
How Fucking Dare Anyone Out There Make Fun Of Ammon After All He Has Been Through?When did Idaho become so woke that its incompetent, corrupt, and anti-freedom court system thinks its absurd level of malpractice can justify Ammon Bundy actually being took to jail today on charges of contempt for something...
Wednesday, April 6, 2022
Dem Members Complain They ‘Can't Unsee This Abomination'In an attempt to prove she is as mainstream as any other spouse of a Supreme Court justice, Clarence “Pube Boy” Thomas’s wife Ginni apparenty butt-texted Liz Cheney and Adam Kinsinger, the two Repugnicunt members on the House committee investigating...
Sunday, April 3, 2022
She Was Probably Thinking Of Jeffrey EpsteinOh, was I not supposed to actually write that thought down?
Wednesday, March 30, 2022
For Christ’s Sake, Assholes, When Was It Ever Relevant?The title of this post was an actual clicturbate link on a site whose name you’d recognize in a minute if I were willing to mention it without compensation.
A special cheat treat for those interested in not being swooped up in The Rapture: many...
Tuesday, March 29, 2022
It’s On The Top Of My List As Soon As I’m Reinstated“I think he showed incredible restraint,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and only American president in the Guiness Book Of World Records for lying under oath told Peter Doocy this morning while waiting to take delivery of the new...
Friday, March 25, 2022
The Bad News Is There’s No Good NewsThe good news is I won’t have to put up with you assholes much longer.
Oh.
So you’re disappointed?
You want different good news tough shit. That’s not how the good news or the good times roll.
Tuesday, March 22, 2022
But #TheRuleOfLawyers Still Doesn’t Give A Fat Rat’s BootyOne great thing about being permanently banned from Twitter is I don’t get suspended for posting Turdwaffle fund-raising e-mails that are protected by non-disclosure agreements.
Seems like only twelve days ago that I pubished this piece called...
Thursday, March 17, 2022
I Am So Sick Of These Gay NATO FuckersFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Kriminal Kremlin Klown, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle’s most steadfast political ally, Russian President Vladimir Putin cold-called Turkish President Johnny Dip Erdogan this morning to chat about world affairs.
If...
Wednesday, March 16, 2022
Promises To Have New Turdwaffle Propaganda Site Fully Operational By 2024Former Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Word, at large) conceded this morning that the roll-out of Turdwaffle World’s alternative reality web site “could have been a lot worse, when you consider what might have happened if we hadn’t focused...
Monday, March 14, 2022
3-Year Old Has Been NRA Member Since Mom Was ImpregnatedCallng the parking lot shooting a tragic accident, officials in Doltville, IL, today refused to release the identity of an infant who fired several rounds into his mother after she failed to get him a box of Skittles at a neighborhood Food For...
Tuesday, March 8, 2022
Maybe Painting Z’s On Our Trucks Was Not The Best Idea We’ve HadThe America First Freedumb Convoy has been plagued by poor planning and monumental incompetence from the beginning. First, organizers neglected to check WhiteHouse.gov to verify the date of the State of the Union Address (SOTU) they intended...
Sunday, March 6, 2022
They Hope To Have Demands Complete Before Turdwaffle Is ReinstatedAmerica’s dumbest and dimmest are at it again, having missed blocking Joe Biden’s State of the Union Address by a full five days because of the “Biden administration’s inflexibility in rescheduling his speech until we could get there.”
Rally...
Friday, March 4, 2022
That’s All Ye Knows Of Life And All Ye Needs To KnowAre we having pun yet?
Wednesday, March 2, 2022
I Couldn’t Have Done It Without My Voters!Among the hundreds of One Minute Politicians who whored for attention at yesterday’s State Of The Union address, Rep. Lorena Boebert (R-Word, CO) laid claim to the most feckless cunt in the room certificate for congratulating the president on the death by cancer...
Tuesday, March 1, 2022
May Be A Hell Of A Lot More Iffy Than Getting The VaccineKaren Humongous Whitestones, 55, was a rabid anti-vaxxer whose extended family voted a straight, white, holier-than-thou ticket “for hundreds of years back to when America was great and pursuing its manifest destiny to bring the word of our savior...
Tuesday, March 1, 2022
Mask Mandates To End Long Before PandemicBe stupid out there, people. You deserve it.
Sunday, February 27, 2022
I May Be An Asshole But I Don’t Give Aid And Comfort To Nazi PigfuckersGod, I’m glad I’m still permanently banned from Twitter or I’d probably get a 7-day suspension for this freep.
Saturday, February 26, 2022
The Reason Say Repugnicunts Is The Emancipation ProclamationI guess that explains why they keep trying to make America great again by re-enslaving using jails.
Saturday, February 26, 2022
More Evidence Of Where Americans Keep Their Heads These DaysA solid majority of uneducated American voters say that Russian dicktaster Vlad The Impudent Putin would not have invaded Ukraine if his favorite Western puppet were still in power, according to a new survey by the prestigious Center For Alternative...
Friday, February 25, 2022
I’m Not Sure Where The Oxymoron Is In This ConfessionYou tell me.
Thursday, February 24, 2022
I Mean Who Can Argue With That?Especially if you consider that if you still have a job, you probably had to sign a series of non-disclosure, non-disparagement, non-compete, and other documents clearly not in your self-interest, which means you are doomed to suffer and die in this nation of miserable...
Wednesday, February 23, 2022
Except People Ate HerShe made quite the delicious Easter supper with mint yogurt sauce and some deviled egg salad on the side.
Tuesday, February 22, 2022
Living In The Real World Proves Too Stressful For Our Nation Of Miserable FucksThe damn pro-life people seem to be unclear on the concept when it comes to protecting lives from virulent mutating pandemics as they demand a return to the normal counter-productive provincial lives that got us into this...
Sunday, February 20, 2022
American Family Values Found To Be Roadblock To Protecting Public HealthNext up, scientists will try to determine if America’s predilection for not fixing anything is a reliable indicator of how perfect things already are.
Thursday, February 17, 2022
Long-Term Planning May No Longer WorkAs the National Weather Service ponders adding two new categories to the Saffer-Simpson scale to allow with hurricanes with sustained winds in excess of 250 miles per hour, and with sea level rise expected to exceed a foot by 2050, which will displace billions of...
Wednesday, February 16, 2022
In Them Old Cotton Fields Back Home?Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Word, AR) is blocking eight of President Biden’s US Attorney nominees because the country just isn’t white enough yet.
He claims he’s doing it to honor the flying pigs in Portland, OR, who apparently were not sufficiently applauded for violating...
Tuesday, February 15, 2022
I’ve Been Hearing That That’s When People Will Finally Begin Wanting To Consider Forming Exploratory Committees To Determine The Feasibility Of Studying Whether To Study ItOf course, I could have misheard them or just totally made my entire lifetime up.
You do you.
Monday, February 14, 2022
You Have To Have Strength Or Else You Won’t Have A CountryFormer President Ronald High Roller Wilson Trump called the Sean Inshannity Show this morning to blast “the illegal usurper” [President Joe Biden] for leading “the Ukieheads” on, claiming Biden administration policies are “obstructing the hard...
Monday, February 14, 2022
NASA Says Object Looks Like A Truck Full Of Missing White House Documents And GiftsAs emergency talks at the UN aimed at developing a plan for dealing with space litter stalled after former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and America’s favorite Nazi pigfucker, Donald J. Turdwaffle asked why...
Friday, February 11, 2022
The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat Gives Its Complete & Total Endrosement To Gary ChambersGary Chambers is running for the U.S. Senate in Louisiana, and if these two campaign ads are any indication, this country needs this guy and a bunch more like him running our nation...
Thursday, February 10, 2022
Marjoe Faylure Greengo Calls On Proud Boys To Defend American Family Values From Totally Woke StasiCold fish blames cold soup for Democrats.
Wednesday, February 9, 2022
We Need A New Process For Deciding On What Infrastructure Is Worth SavingWhy are we still dependent upon large utilities to provide power to homes, particularly in rural areas. We already have the solar, wind, and storage technology to require new developments provide power and water on site. The future...
Monday, February 7, 2022
Capitalism Is Just Doing What It Was Designed To DoWhich is, of course, to fuck you every which way but loose.
Did you really think that being one of the 99% in this nation of miserable fucks was somehow going to give you a leg up? Just because you are dumber than a petrified vole turd & believe...
Saturday, February 5, 2022
It's My Brand So Don’t Let Anyone Hurt It“You see what’s happening in Canada?” the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and cognitive dense fog machine Donald J. Turdwaffle asked an imaginary throng at the Caesar’s Palace Pet and Pond Servicew LLC between Denny’s and KFC in the beautiful...
Saturday, February 5, 2022
Claim Second Amendment Makes Insurrection A Legitimate Form Of Political DiscourseIn a statement to the House Committee investigating twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and unintended consequence of an experimental fecal transplant, Donald J. Turdwaffle, the Repugnicunt National Committee called...
Thursday, February 3, 2022
Intended To Contain Chinese Population By Infecting Wet Markets Where They ShopIn a story that comes as no surprise to anyone who stumbles across an honest history of this nation of miserable fucks, it now appears that development of a novel coronavirus for use as a bioweapon began during the Reagan...
Wednesday, February 2, 2022
For Every Stupid Poodadoodle Move There Is An Equally And Monumentally Stupid ConsequenceHow about if we counter the supply-side Nazi opposition to the teaching of Critical Racist Theory (which is NOT, by the way, currently taught in public schools anywhere that I know of) with some teaching of Critical...
Monday, January 31, 2022
Don’t You Want Real Americans To Have Nice Things?I’m sure glad we don’t have to worry about anyone teaching critical racist theory in public schools anymore.
Sunday, January 30, 2022
The Sooner The Better For Those Of You With Loved Ones In The PokeyAnd it’s all perfectly legal or else he’d already be arrested, right?
Saturday, January 29, 2022
Most Of Us Laugh Off & Live For Your Howls Of ExecrationWe can’t all be strangers when everyone keeps telling us not to be, can we? Not that I give a shit. I paint on cave walls.
Thursday, January 27, 2022
Freedom Of The Press Belongs To Those With The Highest RatingsOur supply-side plantation economy & community police state is the same as it ever was.
Wednesday, January 26, 2022
Biden To Nominate Ben & Jerry To New Expanded 14 Seat CourtPress Secretary Jen Psaki shot down bullshit this morning from right wing ideologues that they claim proves President Biden is running roughshod over the rights of some very fine people who don’t like him or his idea of American democracy.
In...
Monday, January 24, 2022
That Was One Thing Mike Pence Really Took Care OfAlthough when asked what exactly his job was during the Turdwaffle debacle, the former Vice President will neither confirm nor deny rumors that he was responsible for insuring there was no evidence in his possession that could ever used to endanger the...
Monday, January 24, 2022
Let’s Give These Young Ones Something To Important To Die ForResponding to ongoing criticism from Fox Gnus, Nazis, and the GOP that he isn’t decisive or forceful enough to scare an old lady into shitting her underpants, President Joe Biden today announced he had placed nearly 8,500 white supremacists,...
Monday, January 24, 2022
It Was My Personal 9/11
Friday, January 21, 2022
I Have Absolutely Nothing Against The Negroes Or The ColoredsFormer Senate Majority Leader Mitch “The Ninja” McConnell (R-Word,KY) lashed out at the liberal media this morning for airing recordings of his actual words during their broadcasts of what he had said “without giving equal time to what is...
Thursday, January 20, 2022
My Momma Didn’t Raise No MoronsNow that every average MAGA asshole in America is convinced that the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator was handicapped by Democrat sabotage or he would be revered by everyone for having made America great again, the GOP has begun touting every success of...
Sunday, January 16, 2022
I Too Have A Dream Where Even Ivanka Asks Can’t We All Just Get Along?Fresh off his triumphant Arizona Rally For MAGA Reinstatement that raised nearly half a million dollars to help cover the mounting legal fees from his failed coup attempt, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all-around...
Saturday, January 15, 2022
Must Ask Groundlings For Help In Defending His AssCan a GoFundMe be far behind for the Douche of York?
Thursday, January 13, 2022
We Have To Do Something To Stop This American CarnageAlthough he didn’t mention it in his COVID speech this morning, President Joe Biden has been discussing Quebec’s newly imposed “Unvaxxed Tax” as a way of halting the spread of the deadly Very Fine People variant among America’s proudly uneducated.
The...
Wednesday, January 12, 2022
GOP Stands United Against Reason & ScienceArguing that the CDC is not mentioned in the Constitution or The Bible, the two foundational documents of the modern Moronic movement, the GOP today called for Dr. Fauci to step down after he was caught calling Senator Roger Marshall (R-Word, KS) on a hot mike...
Saturday, January 8, 2022
Not Even To Raise Me Up Some Dental FlossI wonder what ever happened to Tiny Little.
You think people would have better things to do with all that Big Sky, but I guess nimrods gotta hate.
Congratulations, Montana!
Wednesday, January 5, 2022
This Was Not A Jury Of Her Peers, Say LawyersAttorneys for Ghislaine Maxwell are asking the judge to vacate her convictions for sex trafficking after one of the jurors on the case told reporters that he had been abused as a child, but not by Maxwell or Jeffrey Epstein.
“But you’d recognize his name...
Tuesday, January 4, 2022
Are You Ready For The Son Of The Epic Of KuklaM*A*S*H?Be here on Proud Boy Patriot’s Day, January 6, as the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator launches a new fund-raising campaign to revise history & make the world safe for American freedumbocracy.
Monday, January 3, 2022
Asking For A Bunch Of Shadows In A Cave
Saturday, January 1, 2022
Fuck You Guys, Virus Says Tells New Year’s RevelersNature can be such a bitch.
Thursday, December 30, 2021
Why Waste Our Time And Money Saving Idiots?It’s no secret that the percentage of Americans who persist in their unwillingness to get the vaccine is within two percentage points of the widely accepted portion of the population who used to be classified as uneducably mentally retarded until the woke...
Saturday, December 25, 2021
President Biden Congratulates Brandon For On-Court DecorumI’m pretty sure President Biden was thinking of this video when responding to some nimrod caller to Santa’s NORAD watch line who attempted to tell him to fuck himself.
Tuesday, December 21, 2021
Anyone Who Knows Me Knows I Only Use The N-Word When It's Off The RecordBlue Dog Democrat Sen. Charlie Manchin (Dimwit, WV) blamed his vote against Joe Biden’s Build Back Better initiative on members of the White House staff's unwillingness to let him spin his opposition to the bill in a way that shielded...
Sunday, December 19, 2021
You’ll Have To Sneak Up Behind HerFailed 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Sirhan Palin told a packed crowd of unvaccinated climate deniers in Dallas today that even if “the Kung Flu coronavirus doesn’t turn out to be the hoax we always knew it was, I am willing to bet my life that...
Friday, December 17, 2021
That’s When Our Supply-Side Plantation Owners Will Start Planning To Do Something About ItI’m not saying it will make any difference. We’re already beyond the point of no return, but with any luck we may get some real deals on family cremations.
Thursday, December 16, 2021
What Makes Them So Sure It Wasn’t Charlie?
Starkist sez: Sorry Charlie.
Tuna in, turna on, dropa out shall be the hole in the law.
Thursday, December 16, 2021
Doing What She Does Be BestJust what America needs: another worthless investment opportunity in ephemeral services.
Sunday, December 12, 2021
Claim Storms Were Caused By Antifa And Green New DealNot willing to let a single opportunity to avoid reality pass them by, the GOP and their various propaganda networks on the public airways are now convinced that everyone is as stupid and venal as they are.
Saturday, December 4, 2021
COVID-19 Mutates In HIV Patients Producing Reaganitis-21The World Health Organization (WHO) today renamed the highly mutated Omicron coronavirus variant after former American president Ronald Reagan, noting that the variant has “so many ingenious & perplexing mutations that it bears little resemblance...
Friday, December 3, 2021
America Discovers It Has No SoulBut what can you expect from a nation of miserable fucks that has had nearly half a century to perfect the Reagan legacy of supply-side plantation economics in support of the prison-industrial complex that brought us this community police state.
The “debate” over...
Wednesday, December 1, 2021
I Told You So On Twitter 2 Years AgoBut nobody listens to me.
Saturday, November 20, 2021
Acquitted Killer Volunteers To Clean Up Portland’s Antifa ProblemArmed with a highly collectible RPG-16 Grom he received from the Kenosha Police Benevolent Association in appreciation of his invaluable assistance during the troubles this summer, Kylie Rittenhouse spurned a rumored partnership from...
Thursday, November 18, 2021
Elderly Photographer Gets NBC Booted From ProceedingsFormer Doors singer Jim Morrison resurfaced at the Rittenhouse trial in Wisconsin on November 18, 2021, when he was accused of being affiliated with MSNBC by Kenosha County Jerkit Judge Ricky Schroeder, calling him James Morrison, although he prefers...
Friday, November 12, 2021
What’s With All This Critical Thinking Theory? Nimrods AskTwo accused insurrectionists who took part in the Capitol riots on January 6 claim they have been given tablets that contain critical race theory as a dietary supplement while being forced to attend 4th grade civics classes to learn about personal...
Monday, November 8, 2021
Elaine Chao Says Patriotism Will Get Proles “To Do The White Thing”Former Transportation Secretary, chairwoman of the Federal Maritime Commission, Harvard graduate, & wealthy Taiwenese trophy wife of Mitch McConnell (R-Word, KY-Jellyroll), Elaine Chao, today suggested that the federal government needs...
Thursday, November 4, 2021
Estate Of Phillip Roth Sends Cease & Desist OrderWitnesses claim Davey Portnoy came on Michael Jackson’s white glove at the gala opening of NY Metropolitan Museum Of Art’s Critical Master Race Theory Exhibit.
Monday, November 1, 2021
“The Kid Started It!” Cruz ExclaimsAmerica’s favorite Cancun promoter, Ted Cruz (R-Word, TX) took to Twitter over the weekend to defend the actions of a Southwest Airlines pilot who was put on unpaid leave after tossing Nick Sandmann (no relation to the teenage Catholic white supremacist from Kentucky)...
Thursday, October 28, 2021
Although Billionaire Tax Will Not Apply To His Broke AssFormer twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & everything wrong with this nation of miserable fucks, Donald J. Turdwaffle, issued a special communique from his bunker in Middlesex this morning warning Joe Manchin & Kyrsten Sinema that he will...
Thursday, October 21, 2021
It Only Makes Sense Some SuggestMinutes after chief medical examiner for Wingnut County, Hans Oppenheinie told swarming entertainment reporters that identification of the remains found near items belonging to fugitive Instagram influencer Brian Epstein Laundromat “could take days, if not weeks”, a...
Sunday, October 17, 2021
This Ain’t Southern Justice!Georgia’s freshman Nazi infiltrator Rep. Marjoe Faylure Greenie called into Fox News on Friday to complain about protests in Brunswick calling for justice for Ahmaud Arbery, a black jogger who was hunted and killed by three good old boys during the height of Turdwaffle’s...
Thursday, October 14, 2021
What’s Fair Is Fair Say SatanistsFollowing a decision by the Carroll Independent School District in Southlake, Texas, that mandates both-siderism in public education so that Mein Kampf & The Art Of The Deal must be taught to balance Holocaust propaganda like The Diary Of Anne Frank & Catch 22, a granfalloon...
Sunday, October 10, 2021
Earliest Known Space Force DisasterIn an article published in the journal Seancific Reports, researchers suggest that the biblical destruction of the ancient LGBTQAI+ city of Sodom was based on actual events.
Dr. Dixon Aziz, Specist Projects Director at the Toad Suck Hollow Paleophilately Research...
Thursday, October 7, 2021
Vegas Refuses To Give Odds On Who Gets Reinstated FirstTime is still meant to be wasted.
Wednesday, October 6, 2021
It’s The 7 Month Anniversary Of My Temporary SuspensionI did a quick search to see how I’ve been doing, and found this tweet from the day before I fell from the grace of Jack and Twits. No doubt I was being too kind, as usual, in wielding #TheTerribleSwiftianSword.
Tuesday, October 5, 2021
Link Established Between Cognitive Flatulence & Irritable Vowel SyndromeA report in this month’s New England Journal Of Appliantology says new discoveries in the fossil record have established a direct link between chronic cognitive flatulence and a series of changes between medieval and modern English...
Monday, October 4, 2021
Fuck Zuck Movement Grows As Company Embraces Alternative Damage ControlAs shares of the company plummetted following disclosures that systemic malfeasance, misfeaseance, & nonfeasance are a key teaching of the tech giant’s corporate culture, bemused citizens around the world are voicing concern as...
Thursday, September 23, 2021
What God Wants God Gets, Say Christian JournalistsAs preventable deaths from the Turdwaffle Flu Pandemic plows through a new milestone of 700 thousand corpses, climate change continues to kill thousands daily around the planet, causing millions to seek refuge in mass migrations, 20 years of unfunded...
Sunday, September 19, 2021
God Only Kills Those Who Deserve ItIn a wide-ranging interview with Jake “The Snake” Tapper on CNN’s State Of The Union, Miss. Gov. Taint Reeves called gravity over-rated, dismissed calls for good goverance as antifa whining, and claimed that more than 20,000 Americans have died after getting the vaccine,...
Saturday, September 18, 2021
Former Guy Fails To Show Up… AgainThousands of Tik Tok journalists waving YU News Service credentials descended on the nation’s capitol Saturday, trampling several dozen pro-insurrectionist Constitutional savants protesting American democracy and the right of antifa to vote for somebody other than...
Friday, September 17, 2021
Promises To Make Idiots A Protected ClassNorth Carolina junior Reprehensative Ashli Madison Cawthorn hopes his Twitter followers will reelect him to a second well-paying term to prove that government should not be reserved for people with measurable intelligence and a useful skill set.
“We’re not...
Wednesday, September 15, 2021
Olympic Medalist Cites Polling She Claims Showed Her With 5 Point Lead Over ElderCaitlin Jenner, the Olympic medalist formerly known as Bruce, did more than complain as results of California’s gubernatorial recall election trickled in, showing her with less than .6% of the total votes cast. She accused...
Saturday, September 11, 2021
“To Honor Our Great Sacrifice At Ground Zero,” America’s Favorite Führer Tells Fox NewsExpressing frustration at how long the reinstatement process is taking, former twice-impeached co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle plans to visit the NYC 9/11 Memorial Museum at Ground Zero this morning to call attention...
Wednesday, September 8, 2021
Fox News Argues Their Alleged Presence Is Protected By NDAsIf it ends up that the remaining Americans and allies left behind in Afghanistan when the last American troops were withdrawn are all mercenaries with most employed by Academi, the private Repugnicunt army formerly known as Blackwater and Xe...
Monday, September 6, 2021
NRA Reports Shortage Off High-Capacity Magazines & Armor-Piercing AmmoIt looks like America’s Second Amendment may finally come in handy after all.
Sunday, September 5, 2021
Two Of The Flagged Americans Are Wanted For Roles In January 6th InsurrectionAt least 200 American troops who participated in protecting the peace deal Donald J. Turdwaffle signed with the Taliban in 2020 have been flagged for alleged ties to white nationalist terrorist groups, including the Proud...
Friday, August 27, 2021
Another Day In ParadisePMS has learned that embattled Repugnicunt governor & Turdwaffle impersonator, Ronald RegeneRon DeSantis, was recently granted trademark protection for DeSantis’s Sop ‘Em Ups. For When You’ve Already Got Your Hands Full.
They allegedly insert themselves.
Thursday, August 26, 2021
Unvaccinated Are Last In LineIn terms even a fan of America’s alleged favorite pastime can understand: “Three strikes & you’re out.”
Beginning September 1, patients must show proof of vaccination before being admitted to ERs or ICUs in all the blue states & most of the red states that accept federal...
Sunday, August 22, 2021
“They’re Killing The Uneducated!” Texas Repugnicunt ClaimsAs COVID sweeps through the shithole states, the GOP is raising alarms that downplaying the threat posed by the deadly Kung Flu over the past year & a half has greatly reduced their deplorable base. This realization has forced the party to pivot...
Thursday, August 19, 2021
A Brand New Category For InterWeb Cave PaintingsI just discovered this posted outside the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat’s day care center, captioned: “The Dog Whistler’s Mother.”
There is so much drawing going on these days on the walls of the sub-sub-basements...
Monday, August 16, 2021
Slaver Descendent Loses Rest Of Sad Little Nut Sack To Limey Comic
Need I say more?
Tuesday, August 10, 2021
Kate Brown Scraps Need To Prove You Can Read, Write, Or Do Arithmetic, Points To ElectorateBowing to pressure from the state’s boisterously vocal Pink Floyd lobbyists, Oregon’s Democrat Gov. Brown signed a bill into law in July that suspends the state’s essential skills graduation requirement for three...
Friday, August 6, 2021
“I’m Proud I’m Deplorable” Sticker Sold SeparatelyFormer twice-impeached, unindicted co-conspirator, & world class pussy-grabber President Donald J. Turdwaffle is so desperate to delay his cash flow problem until he is reinstated later this month that he contracted with some Tik Tok Teens to help him...
Tuesday, August 3, 2021
Fat Former Guy Gets Punked AgainNow it can be told: Donald J. Turdwaffle is no king of all media, after all.
His Cabinet buddies launched GETTR to keep the blithering bloviator from grabbing more random pussy on camera, after his failed “From The Disk Of Precedent Thump” web site was taken down...
Saturday, July 31, 2021
“Freedom’s Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose,” Twice-Impeached Loser Tells Athletic SupportersDuring a recent speech to supporters at his Bedford New Jersey Golf Resort & Bordello, former president & unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle denied involvement in his attempt to overturn...
Wednesday, July 28, 2021
The Unmasked Of The Red State Death!House Minority Ruler Kevin “The Dummy” McCarthy doubled-down on his alternative pro-life position today by opposing the new mask mandate imposed by Speaker Pelosi to slow the spread of the deadly Delta variant, shouting: “Give me liberty or ventilation!”
At the...
Saturday, July 24, 2021
“Stick It To The Man!” Queen Antifa Shouts At Portland RiotA crowd of unruly antifa protestors marched through downtown Portland this afternoon daring alt-right counterprotestors to refuse the COVID-19 vaccination to prove their loyalty to Ronald Reaganism.
Several participants carried signs emblazoned...
Thursday, July 22, 2021
Helms-On-Wheels, Jr. Accuses Doctor Of Being Glory HoundFollowing a testy exchange between Senator Rand Paul of KY-Jellyroll Gumdrop & CDC Allergy & Infectious Diseases Director Anthony “Quinn The Eskimo” Fauci, freshman NC Tarheel Representative Holden Cawthorn took to whining to the right-wing media:...
Monday, July 19, 2021
“Ben Shapiro’s Got Nothing On Me,” America First & Foremost Pod Person ClaimsIn her never-ending quest to incite America’s #FamilyValues base to irrational acts, a concept formerly known as its heavy dirty soul, former Fox & NBC shill & one , Megyn Kelly today got into a Twitter fued with Naomi Osaka...
Tuesday, July 13, 2021
“The NRA Owns Broadcast Rights To All US Mass Casualty Events Through The 2024-25 Fire Season” Repugnicunts Argue In Court FilingClaiming that climate catastrophists are diminishing the value of their brand, the GOP & NRA joined forces today to accuse the mainstream media of trademark dilution by calling...
Tuesday, July 13, 2021
Another Existential Trick Question For The Reagan LegacyShould I hold out for sea level rise to reach my current location here in Idiotville or move to the beach while such things still exist?
Thursday, July 8, 2021
“It Wasn’t Us, Man!” Says Unnamed Source Dressed As A TurnipAfter decades of fomenting unrest in Central & South America as part of the Repugnicunt New Manifest Destiny designed to expand the Reagan legacy’s supply side plantation economy onto any surface in the Western hemisphere human beings are...
Wednesday, July 7, 2021
Right Before I Got CancelledI kind of miss the days when you could say or write whatever the fuck the language gave you the tools to do, so long as it made the birds laugh.
Them were the days.
Tuesday, July 6, 2021
Turdwaffle Forced To Eat With Consuela LopezTwice-impeached former President Donald J. Turdwaffle refused to comment on recent reports that Melania Turdwaffle has chosen to opt out of the last year of her contract & take a chance on the free agent market. Several international tyrants are said to be...
Monday, July 5, 2021
150 Dead In 400 Weekend Celebrations Of 2nd Amendment Rights!The post-pandemic era is off to a good start with gun violence up significantly over pre-pandemic levels, signaling it’s a good time to buy firearms & ammunition or invest in the companies that manufacture or distribute these products.
“There’s...
Wednesday, June 30, 2021
He Goes Where He Knows No Known Unknowns Have Gone BeforeRonald Clowney McRumsfeld, the chief architect of George W. Bush’s war in Iraq to avenge his father’s honor, bit the big one today at 88. McRumsfeld was best known for his inability to tell the truth with a straight face & his uncanny ability...
Friday, June 25, 2021
Claims Trump Promised To Pardon Him After August ReinstatementDerek Chauvin, the former Minneapolis police officer who killed George Floyd last year with an unapproved chokehold was in exceptionally good spirits today despite being sentenced to 22 & a half years in general population.
Chauvin, who...
Monday, June 21, 2021
Do Fetal Gun Rights Allow Her To Stand Her Ground?
There are so many existential trick questions in our nation of miserable fucks.
Friday, June 18, 2021
Spelled His Name Rogaine
Then came the cease & desist orders.
Sunday, June 13, 2021
I Meant To Promote #LegoTittiesas the next big thing to grab when it’s on sale to give your horny boys a rise next holiday shopping season.
Friday, June 11, 2021
God Is Not Woke! He Is Deceased, Like Monty Python's Parrot!Perhaps in another 400 years we’ll finally have a nation where we can be free of religion, instead of having to wonder which human or organic right these nimrods are going to try to take away next.
Tuesday, June 8, 2021
Q Cries Foul!#IToldYouSo
Monday, June 7, 2021
Cows Demand Apology From Devin Nunes’s AssholeThat’s it. That would have been the whole tweet.
Monday, May 31, 2021
Delirious, by Susanne SundforHere’s another earworm that makes me think of old Murray the K concerts in the 60s.
Wednesday, May 26, 2021
Discovered While Watching "Atlantic Crossing” On PBSDon’t know why exactly, but she makes me feel like I’m listening to Phil Ochs’ “Pleasures Of The Harbor” all over again.
Tuesday, May 18, 2021
The Ultimate In Final SolutionsIt seems like almost yesterday I received a reluctant acceptance of a poem called “Arabs & Jews” in the early 1970s. It was a simple poem about a simple problem that could be solved as easily as the Japanese inconvenience was solved in August of 1945, with one simple...
Monday, May 17, 2021
Madeline Smith
Economics and Health Care Desk
Pataphysical Metepsychotic Service
0509170003.a.9.11PMS09364501YU
ST. CLOUD, Minn. (PMS) — Looking to score a knockout punch in his reelection campaign war on Kerryism, President Bush said today that his Democratic opponent “wants to expansify...
Saturday, May 8, 2021
Originally published by drfaustroll under Blather, Invective, Kommerce and Kulchur, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics January 31, 2009
Sorry for the interruption.
I just returned from watching The Wrestler and received an e-mail with this link to an open letter by perennial presidential candidate...
Saturday, May 1, 2021
Every Now And Then It Gets A Little Hard To TellBut if this was the reason behind my summary Twitter execution, why did it take until I mentioned feckless cunts (for at least the 666th time since November 3, 2020) on March 7th that my suspension was imposed?
More to follow, now that I have received...
Tuesday, April 20, 2021
I’m not sure if I need to slather on sunscreen or fire up the woodstove for Sunday here in Idiotville.
Last I heard we don’t do things with Kelvin around here, even since that incident at the elementery school.
Thursday, April 15, 2021
Published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Workplace Lunacy February 3, 2009
I’m having a hard time letting go of my Christmas spirit, particularly when poopadoodlists and pundits and phlaky phuckwads continue to clutter Ted Stevens’ InterTube with sober inanities, threatening to shut...
Wednesday, April 14, 2021
Originally published by drfaustroll under Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Phyddling About February 8, 2009
All fugitive octuplets were back in police custody this morning after a tense standoff at the Church of the Oven of Peace, where members of a previously unknown terrorist group that...
Saturday, April 10, 2021
Originally published by drfaustroll under Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Phlakes, Workplace Lunacy February 11, 2009
I often receive questions from first time patients who are unfamiliar with the role of pataphysicians in the 21st century. This is understandable because so many people in our nation...
Tuesday, March 30, 2021
#TheDeadBeats Know I’m Talking About Them Baby SnakesI had intended to include this song two posts ago, but I just now figured out what I was doing wrong, which, of course, has nothing to do with why I am beginning my fourth week of a temporary Twitter suspension that I have already appealed twice...
Sunday, March 28, 2021
Christ’s Church DefiledDebbie Downer Dallas, spokeslifestylecoach for the Union of Concerned Cheerleaders accused the Catholic Church of cultural appropriation this morning after pranksters changed the message board at The Book Depository Church of Jesus Christ Almighty to say all attendees will be...
Saturday, March 27, 2021
Obamination: Republicrats vow fight against open season on the rich Published by drfaustroll under Invective, Literary Terrorism, Pataphysics, Poopadoodle, Sedition February 27, 2009
Citing eight years of Republicrat economic efforts that increased populations of those living below the poverty level,...
Thursday, December 3, 2020
When in the course of human events......did we decide to become a nation of miserable fucks? I started using the phrase during the clamitously inept term of Georgie Hiram Walker Bush, whose only accomplishment in life was to have faithfully served Old Rummy Reagan (the OG “One Minute President”), as...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
October Surprise!People often forget that before Osama bin Laden was hunted down and rounded up and killed and captured, he used to be called Osama bin Laffen-Hizzazzov. Also, remember that the election of Donald Drumpf was not the first time outsiders attempted to influence American election results.
Bin...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
Why do whales beach themselves?I mean besides protesting this nation of miserable fucks (NOMF™)… In case you were wondering where this memorable war-time quote came from, look no further: "Diplomacy is just meaningless talk unless you have brutal, unrelenting, and overwhelming force to back it up,"...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
In the beginning was the NBAJust kidding. First there was God who invented the concept of ownership. Everything else was gravy. Does anyone even remember the Red Hot and Balling Portland Tail Braisers anymore? This used to be funny.
Bush Names Wallace Special Envoy
TEL AVIV (YU) – President...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
And then it gets worseI had almost forgotten about Jesse Helms and North Carolina, despite having lived there for a few years when John East was affectionately known as Helms on Wheels.
Helms Calls Bush “No Good Two-Timer"WASHINGTON (YU) — Sen. Jesse Helms, senile Republican on the Senate Foreign...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
Banana Moon Blame GameWhile the media hurries to divert your gaze from their terrible response to president* Donnie Dumbo’s teleprompter reading to a joint session of illicit Congressionaldroids last Tuesday after lunch by running a series of stories about how much better former First Idiot Fubar Dubya...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
You can go your own wayPeople occasionally tell me — scratch that — they OFTEN tell me that something I’ve said or written or thought is not funny, is too soon to be funny, or will never be funny, but that doesn’t change anything, particularly what I think is funny. And what I think is funny and when...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
Some people just won’t give upRemember Timothy McVeigh? Neither do I. But you can be sure the Bundinistas do.
McVeigh Won’t Pursue Further Appeals
DENVER (YU) – Speaking by phone through an interpreter from an undisclosed location near the mess tent of Libyan Leader Moammar Gaddafi, fugitive...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
Turn your head and cough out your assThe current First Douchebag has surrounded himself with a gaggle of pretty bad hombres but he’s only trying to bigly outdo the fucked up job that former First Idiot Georgie Bush with his cabinet of malignant dildos.
Ashcroft Proclaims System Is InnocentWASHINGTON...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
There’s nothing funny about unsafe drivingWas I being overly unfair to the Bush girls? Whatever happened to Little Timmy McVeigh after his escape?
Bush Twins Suspected In Fatal CrashMarshall ProustThe March of MimesAll The News To Give You FitsYossarian Universal News ServiceMay 31 2001 9:32PM
NORTH...
Saturday, November 14, 2020
Yesterday
I was a Harvard Lampoon fan at Clemson in the mid-sixties and I enjoyed John Lennon’s word play books. I was supposed to be in Electrical Engineering, but I was hanging out with guys at The Tiger and The Chronicle, the architecture department, and getting booted out of ROTC, so it seemed...
Thursday, November 5, 2020
Horseman Let FlyCognitive Flatulence is brewing deep within the bowels of the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat. It’ll be onya before you know it.
